View Full Version : Steve's joke thread.

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04-11-2005, 05:29 PM
I met a man last week who told me his name was Lucky Johnson.I asked him where the Lucky came from and he said that he was standing in a queue waiting for a bus.After ten minutes he decided to walk and as soon as he walked away a lorry drove into the bus queue and killed the six people that were standing there.I told him that he was indeed a lucky man.
I met him again yesterday and when I said,’ Hello there ,its Lucky Johnson’ ,he said his name was now Lucky Lucky Johnson.When I asked him why his name had changed he said that he had been making love to his wife last night when a brick came through the window and hit me on the ar*e.
I asked him how that was lucky,he told me that if the brick had come through the window a few minutes earlier it would have hit him on the back of the head.

04-11-2005, 06:06 PM
The biggest joke ever ;


04-11-2005, 06:08 PM
A blonde walked into a computer shop one day and asked the shop assistant for a curtain to fit her 15 inch computer monitor. The assistant said, "Why do you want a curtain for your computer screen?"
To which the blonde replies, "I've got Windows".

04-11-2005, 06:10 PM
There was an Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there.
The Englishman was thinking: 'The Irish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.' Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it.' And the Irishman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that English b@stard again.

04-11-2005, 06:17 PM
Brilliant guys, just what we need a laugh on a friday night :laugh:

04-11-2005, 06:18 PM
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

“Mother, where do babies come from?”

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.”

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his pen*s in the mommy’s vagi*a. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.

“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s pen*s in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”

“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

04-11-2005, 06:25 PM
A guy goes over to his friends house, rings the bell, the wife answers.

"Hi is Tony home?"

"No he went to the store."

"Well, you mind if I wait?"

"No come in."

They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."

Nora thinks about this for a second an figures what the hell - a hundred bucks.

She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a 100 bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I got to see the both of them. I'll give you another 100 bucks if I could just see the both of them together."

Nora thinks about this and says what the hell opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the table then says he can't wait any longer for Tony and leaves.

A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know your weird friend Chris came over."

Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

04-11-2005, 06:26 PM
A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads:

Dear Wife,

I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary.

When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows:

Dear Husband,

I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old toyboy. You being an accountant will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.

04-11-2005, 08:59 PM
" hello owl " says the bear
" I am not an owl, I’m a mouse" is the reply he gets
" So why are your eyes are so big?" asks the bear
" I’m taking a ******i*g kraup" replies the mouse

04-11-2005, 09:55 PM
A girl is on an airplane with her mom and asks her, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, then why donít big planes have baby planes?"
The mom smiles and tells her daughter to ask the stewardess. The stewardess comes over and the the little girl asks her the same question she asked her mother.
The stewardess asks the girl if her mom toll her to ask her and the little girl replied "Yes." Then the stewardess says "Well thatís because virgin Airlines always pull out on time!"

04-11-2005, 10:46 PM
So one time I was just thinking of stories to tell and I thought of one. I asked my friends "do you guys remember the first time". "oh hell yeah they all say" so I’m telling them about mine. so I say well the first time I had sex was in the grass in a vacant plainy area. It was a perfect day and we were just going at it for hours and then suddenly her mom comes up to us out of no where. so i’m like oh sh*t "holy fu*k what did she do" asks my friend I reply " the first thing that came out of her mouth was baaaaaaahh"!!!! :

And before anyone says it, yes i know i am Welsh.

04-11-2005, 11:18 PM

06-11-2005, 03:01 PM
The fashion industry may have sacked Kate Moss, but she has been offered 2 new jobs at the BBC doing Whoís line is it anyway and top gear.:laugh:

06-11-2005, 03:38 PM
The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words. She thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with more than one syllable.

"Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable words?"

"After some thought Jane proudly replied with Monday."

"Great Jane. That has two syllables, Mon......day"

"Does anyone know another word."

"I do! I do!" replied Johnny.

Knowing Johnnyís more mature sense of humor she picks Mike instead.

"OK Mike, what is your word."

"Saturday." says Mike.

"Great, that has three syllables..."

Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says "I know a four syllable word. Pick me! Pick me!"

Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher reluctantly says, "O.K. Johnny what is your four syllable word?"

Johnny proudly says, "Mas...tur...ba...tion." Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says, "Wow, Johnny. Four syllables! Thatís certainly is a mouthful."

"No Maíam, your thinking of íblowjobí, and thatís only two syllable

06-11-2005, 04:51 PM
A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob", where a small knob is placed on the back of a womanís head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob".

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful - the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.

"All these years, everything has been working just fine. Iíve had to turn the knob many times and Iíve always loved the results. But now Iíve developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob wonít get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her closely and said," Those arenít bags, those are your breasts".

She said, "Well I guess thereís no point in asking about the goatee."

06-11-2005, 06:04 PM
A group of first-year medical students is gathered around an operating table for their first anatomy lesson with a dead body.
ďAs a doctor, youíll need to develop two key skills,Ē the professor begins. ďThe first is stoicism. You canít be disgusted by anything involving the human body.Ē
The professor then rolls the body over, sticks his finger into the corpseís butt, withdraws it and sticks his finger in his mouth.
ďNow do the same,Ē he instructs.
The horrified students hesitate, but eventually take turns dipping a finger into the cadaverís anus and then sucking on it.
When everyone has finished, the professor continues, ďThe second skill is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and then I sucked on my index finger. Pay attention.Ē

06-11-2005, 08:41 PM
O.J. Simpson, Phil Spectre, and Michael Jackson walk into a bar. The bartender asks "What will you have?"
O.J. says, "I'll have a Bloody Mary."
Phil Spectre says, "I've only got time for one quick shot."
Michael Jackson says, "Nothing for me. Where's your little boy's room?"

07-11-2005, 05:52 PM
Did you know that the most commonly used sexual position in the world is doggy style. You know the one where the man sits up and begs, and the women rolls over and plays dead.

07-11-2005, 08:13 PM
Two newly weds arrive at a hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite. The receptionist asks them do they have reservations? The bride replies Iím not to sure about takin it up the ass.

07-11-2005, 08:38 PM
One day Little Johnny asks his dad the what difference is between theory and reality?
Little Johnnyís dad says "go ask your sister if she will ***** the neighbor for a million dollars."
So Little Johnny goes up to his sister and says, "would you ***** the neighbor for a million dollars?" She squints her eyes and thinks about it and replies, "yes, i would ***** the neighbor for a million bucks."
So Little Johnny tells his dad that she said yes, but he still does not know the difference btween theory and reality.
So Little Johnnys dad says, " go ask mom if she will ***** the neighbor for a million dollars."
Little Johnny ask his mom, "would you ***** the neighbor for a million dollars" and she replies back "hell yea i would ***** the neighbor for a million bucks."
So little Johnny goes back and tells his dad that mom said "hell yea i would ***** the neighbor for a million bucks."
So little Johnny says to his dad, "I still dont know the difference between theory and reality.
Little Johnnyís dad looks down at him and says, "Well son, itís like this. In Theory we are sitting on top of two million dollars, but in Reality we are broke and living with two *****ing whores."

07-11-2005, 09:35 PM
father and his son driving down a country lane and his son sees 2 horses havin sex "whats that daddy" asks his son "oh the horse in front is helpin the other horse back to the stable because hes broken his leg, and his son says "typical you try to help someone and you end up getting *****ed"

08-11-2005, 03:58 PM
What did the lepor say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip!!

08-11-2005, 04:11 PM
An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed.

He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her neck. Suddenly he got up and left the room. As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it!. Be strong and I love you."

After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife says: "Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck....He was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong and I love you, too."

08-11-2005, 04:15 PM
There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:

"Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
"What's the price?"
"Only £750,00"
"Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much ... "

"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2005 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year ... "
"What price did he quote you?"
"Only £120,000 ... "
"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

"Great! But before we hang up, something else ... "
"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property ... "
"How much are they asking?"
"Only £1,000,000 - a magnificent price ... and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover ... "

"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid £900,000 OK?"
"OK, sweetie ... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
"Bye ... I do too ... "

The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to? :laugh: :laugh:

08-11-2005, 04:31 PM
Three friends chatting about xmas presents for their wife.

Man one proudly tells the other two that he's getting his wife a convertible mercedes and an expensive fur coat - that way, if she doesn't like the merc she can walk home in her fur coat.

Man two says that he's taking his wife to a tropical island for one week, as well as getting her a diamond ring. That way, if the holiday is miserable, she can stare at her expensive jewellery and cheer herself up.

Man three tells the other two than has less money to spend, but has followed the same prinicples. He's bought her a pair of slippers and a dildo.

He tells his friends proudly "That way, if she don't like the slippers, she can go ***** herself!!"

08-11-2005, 04:57 PM
LMAO excellent guys :thumbsup: keep them coming.

08-11-2005, 04:57 PM
A man had been stranded on an island for 4 years on his own when one day a lone sheep walked out of the forest seeing this as a opportunity he tried to have sex with it , after having no love for 4 years. But every time he came close, a dog ran out of the woods and chased him away. Try as he might, he just couldnít have sex with that sheep because that dog kept turning up!!!!!
One day a big-breasted beautiful shipwrecked woman washed up on the shore, practically naked. He gave her mouth to mouth and she regained conscienceness.
"Thankyou" she said. "You saved my life! How can i repay you? Iíll do ANYTHING!"
After thinking long and hard, the mans reply was "Hold that bloody dog....."

08-11-2005, 05:44 PM
A man goes to the zoo ...... but when he arrives there's only a dog

It was a s-h-1-tzu.

08-11-2005, 06:28 PM
David Blunkett has released the following statement:

... . ... .. .... ... .. .... .. . . . ..... .. . ... . ... .... . . .

.... . . . . . . ... . ... . . . . . . . . . .. .... . . . .. . . .. .

..... ... . .... . ..... . ... .... ... . . .... ....... . ...... .. ...

.. . ...... ..... . ...... . . . ......... .. . . ..... . ........ ..

..... . ....... ...... .. . .... ... ....... .... .. ... ... ... . ... .

.. . . ........ . . . ...... . . . ...... .. ... ..... .. ... ....

... ... .. ... .. . ... .. .... ... .. .... .. . . . ..... .. . ... . ..

... . . . . ..... . . . . . . ... . ... . . . . . . . . . .. .... . . .

.. . . ...... ... . .... . ..... .

08-11-2005, 08:01 PM
A man goes to the zoo ...... but when he arrives there's only a dog

It was a s-h-1-tzu.

"groans" :cry3:

08-11-2005, 08:02 PM
David Blunkett has released the following statement:

... . ... .. .... ... .. .... .. . . . ..... .. . ... . ... .... . . .

.... . . . . . . ... . ... . . . . . . . . . .. .... . . . .. . . .. .

..... ... . .... . ..... . ... .... ... . . .... ....... . ...... .. ...

.. . ...... ..... . ...... . . . ......... .. . . ..... . ........ ..

..... . ....... ...... .. . .... ... ....... .... .. ... ... ... . ... .

.. . . ........ . . . ...... . . . ...... .. ... ..... .. ... ....

... ... .. ... .. . ... .. .... ... .. .... .. . . . ..... .. . ... . ..

... . . . . ..... . . . . . . ... . ... . . . . . . . . . .. .... . . .

.. . . ...... ... . .... . ..... .

LMAO :laugh:

08-11-2005, 08:02 PM
A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?"
Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job.
Guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Jesus Christ! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"
The hooker says, "Do you see that Dennyís on the corner?"
"Do you see the Dennyís about a block further down?"
"And beyond that, do you see that third Dennyís?"
"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job thatís worth $500."
Guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. Iíll give it a try." They retire to a nearby motel.
A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"
The hooker replies, "$1,500."
I wouldnít pay that for a blow-job!"
The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job thatís worth every cent of $1,500."
The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up."
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his moneyís worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"
The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?"
"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"
"No," the hooker replies, "but I would if I had a pussy."

08-11-2005, 09:11 PM
a woman with a very big vagina places a mirror on the floor between her legs from a standing position to look down to see how big her organ really is. her husband walks in and asks what sheís doing, so she replies that sheís just exercising. The husband says "thatís nice, just becareful not to fall into that hole on the floor.

08-11-2005, 09:56 PM
This guy walks into a bar carrying a frog. He sits down on an open bar stool and sets the frog down on the bar. The bartender takes one look at the man and his frog and says, "Hey buddy, you canít bring that frog in here!" The man stands up and picks up his frog. "You donít understand," says the man, "this is a special frog!" "whatís so special about it?" asks the bartender. "this my friend, is the worlds first ever pussy eating frog!" exclaimes the man. "well I donít care what kind of frog it is, get it the hell off of my bar." says the bartender. So, the man is walking towards the nearest exit with his frog when the most beautiful woman the man has ever seen stops him. "excuse me," she says, "did I hear you wrong or did you say that your frog eats pussy?""Why yes, yes it does," says the man. "ok!"says the woman, "hereís what I want you to do...Come upstairs to the hotel room number seven tonight at midnight, and bring your frog. Iíll be waiting." So the guy brings the frog upstairs to room number seven at midnight. He finds the door half open. The woman says, "come in itís unlocked.". The man and his frog find the woman laying on the bed spread eagle completely naked. "Ok," says the woman, "put that frog to work!" The guy sets the frog on the womans thigh and says, "go frog, go!" but the frog just sits there staring at him. "itís alright, sometimes it takes him a little while to get going," the man says. "go frog, go!" he says once more, but again the frog just stares at him. The woman sighs and says, "I think you are a liar, I donít think your frog eats pussy at all!" The man says, "wait, give it one more chance." He says, "go frog go!" but the frog just sits there motionless so the man reaches down and picks up the frog and says, "Damnit frog, this is the last time Iím going to show you how to do this!"

09-11-2005, 01:34 PM
Subject: They make aircraft

This was posted (very briefly) on the McDonnell Douglas Website by an employee there who obviously has a sense of humour. The company, of course, does not have a sense of humour, and made the web department take it down immediately (for once, the 'IMPORTANT' note at the end is worth a read too...).


Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below.

Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.

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09-11-2005, 04:42 PM
Three guys, one Irish, one English, and one Scottish are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Genie. The Scottish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity." So, with a blink of the Genie's eye "FOOM" the oceans were teaming with fish. The Englishman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that no one will get in for all eternity. Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye "POOF" there was a huge wall around England. The Irishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out." The Irishman says, "Fill it up with water."

09-11-2005, 04:44 PM
There's a guy from Ireland driving through Europe and an English guy driving in the opposite direction. In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other head on and both cars go flying off in different directions. The Irish fella manages to climb out of his car and survey the damages. He looks at his twisted car and says, "Jasus, I am really lucky to be alive!" Likewise, the Englishman scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. He too says to himself, "I can't believe I survived this wreck!" The Englishman walks over to the Irishman and says, "Hey man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of such rivals." The Irishman thinks for a moment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. Now I'm gonna see what else survived the wreck." So, the Irishman pops open his trunk and finds a full-unopened bottle of Paddy Powers Irish Whiskey. He says to the English fella, I think this is another sign from God that we toast to our new found understanding and friendship." The Englishman says, "You're damn right!" and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down the Irish Whiskey. After putting away nearly half the bottle, the Englishman hands it back to the Irish fella and says, "Your turn!" The Irish fella twists the cap back on the bottle and says,"Nahh, I think I'll wait for the police to show up."
:tongue3: :tongue3: :tongue3:

09-11-2005, 06:10 PM
Great stuff guys, nice one Chaa.

09-11-2005, 06:10 PM
A man and his boy were driving home when a cop pulled them over for speeding. The cop gave the man a fine and collected his address and told the man that he would be back later. "Whatever sh*t head" was the man’s reply. "What does sh*thead mean, daddy?" asked the little boy. "Cop, son, it’s another name for cop."

When they got home, the father tripped over the mat and cried "Oh sh*t" the boy asked his dad, "What does sh*t mean, daddy?". "It means doormat" replied the dad, "now go help your mother in the kitchen".

The boy went to help his mother, who was stuffing the chicken. His mother suddenly cut herself and exclaimed, "oh fu*k!". The boy asked, "What does fu*k mean, mummy?". The boys mother replied "stuff, as in stuffing the chicken, now go see what your father’s up to."

The boy wen upstairs to where his father was shaving. His father cut himself and muttered quietly with hope that his son wouldn’t hear, "oh bollocks!" The boy replied, quick as ever, "What does bollocks mean, daddy?" The man replied, "It means chin."

A couple of minutes later, the cop came as promised. The boy answered the door and said to the cop, "Hi sh*thead! Watch out for the sh*t on the floor. Come meet my mum, she’s in the kitchen, fu*king the chicken, daddy will be down in a minute when he’s finished shaving his bollocks!"

09-11-2005, 07:42 PM
This tickled me....

09-11-2005, 08:18 PM
This tickled me....

Now that is funny LMAO :laugh:

09-11-2005, 08:19 PM
There was a young lady named Alice
Who used a dynamite stick for a phallus
They found her vagina
in North Carolina
And half of her asshole in Dallas

09-11-2005, 08:41 PM
And half of her asshole in Dallas

Going by the name Rob :D:D:D:D:D:D:D

09-11-2005, 08:46 PM
Going by the name Rob :D:D:D:D:D:D:D
No mate, he's a complete one:tongue3: :tongue3: :tongue3:

09-11-2005, 08:47 PM
There was a young lady named Alice
Who used a dynamite stick for a phallus
They found her vagina
in North Carolina
And half of her asshole in Dallas

Mary had a little dress
and it was split in half
Every time the wind did blow
You could see her calf

Mary had another dress
and it was split up front :shocked:

But she didn't wear that one :laugh:

09-11-2005, 08:54 PM
LMAO You guys are all mad (or drunk).

09-11-2005, 08:54 PM
two old guys walk into a whore house and ask the guy behind the counter for his two best whores. the guy is thinking im not giving these guys my two best whores. so he has someone put two blow up dolls in two seperate rooms. the guys go in and do there thing. they come out when they are done and one says to the other "how was your whore?" "mine was the best i ever had, how about yours?" "i think mine was a witch." "why is that he said?" " well i got to nibbling on her nipple, she let out a loud fart and flew out the window!!

09-11-2005, 09:00 PM
LMAO You guys are all mad (or drunk).

Drunk :drinking:

A308 MAN
09-11-2005, 09:03 PM
Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by
cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could
live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go
to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So
all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten
apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to
shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your
face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out
in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the
king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this
should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the
ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one
asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The
second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy
coming with pineapples."

10-11-2005, 10:09 AM

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left breast and screams. Then she pushes on her elbow and screams in even more agony. She then pushes on her knee and screams again; likewise she pushes on her ankle and screams.

Everywhere she touches makes her scream in agony.
The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she says, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."

10-11-2005, 10:28 AM
> Tommy Cooper 'Classics'
> 1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one
> them would have seen it.
> 2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana,
> press the hash key..."
> 3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for
> The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
> 4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
> find any.
> 5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
> couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks
> too high."
> 6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him
> in.
> 7. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
> 8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
> craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your
> and heat it.
> 9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
> with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
> 10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
> Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
> 11. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' - "That
> sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. " - ' Is it common? ' - "It's not
> unusual."
> 12. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up
> my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."
> 13. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
> 14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
> 15. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you
> give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your
> go for it.'
> 16. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are
> people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or
> Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But
> think its Colin.
> 17. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,
> and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other
> one off.
> 18. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
> They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So
> that was nice."
> 19. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in
> places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"
> 20. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when
> small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search
> rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that
> to climb as digging continues into the night

10-11-2005, 11:03 AM
> Tommy Cooper 'Classics'

> 9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
> with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
> 10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
> Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
> 11. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' - "That
> sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. " - ' Is it common? ' - "It's not
> unusual."
> 12. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up
> my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: Those 4 on the trot literally had me LOL with tears in my eyes :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

10-11-2005, 11:11 AM
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: Those 4 on the trot literally had me LOL with tears in my eyes :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

The man was a genius in a Spike Milligan kind of way!

Apparently, Spike wanted the following on his gravestone, but it wasn't allowed;

"Told you I was sick!"
:grin: :grin: :grin: :grin: :grin: :grin: :grin:


10-11-2005, 12:02 PM
Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to
go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under
the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog. He won't bother you. But,
whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he
discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just
as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman
go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant
yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain
himself any longer and yelled,

"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

10-11-2005, 02:29 PM
That is some funny sh*t :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

10-11-2005, 02:31 PM
So Tony H goes to the bar and proceeds to get totally wasted. after about 15 drinks Tony gets up and stumbles to the bathroom. a few minutes later a loud shreek comes from the bathroom. everyone looks towards the bathroom but there is no more noise. Then a minute later another loud shreek sounds in the bathroom. So the bartender wondering what is going on walks to the bathroom to investigate. "what the hell is going on in there?" he asks Tony. "I don’t know?" Tony cries out. "I took a sh*t and every time I try to flush something comes up and sqeezes the hell out of my balls!" So the bartender opens the door. "You drunk dumbass Tony! your sitting on the mop bucket!"

10-11-2005, 02:50 PM

Thursday 20th Sept 2005

Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I'd been shopping in the afternoon with the girls and was a bit late meeting him - thought it might be that.

The bar was really crowded and loud, so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we went somewhere nice to eat.

All through dinner he just didn't seem himself - he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying.

I just knew that something was wrong.

He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in. He hesitated but followed.

I asked him what was wrong, but he just half shook his head and turned the television on. After about ten minutes of silence I said that I was going upstairs to bed.

I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply.

He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile.

He didn't follow me up immediately but came up later and, to my surprise, we made love - but he still seemed distant and a bit cold.

Cried myself to sleep -I think he's planning to leave me - maybe he's found someone else.


Thursday, 20th September 2005

Chelsea lost. Gutted. Got a shag though.

10-11-2005, 03:04 PM
The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony, beaming at the thousands of people in the courtyard below. The Queen said to the Pope out of the side of her mouth, "I bet you a tenner that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand."
The Pope replied, "No way! You can't do that." The Queen said, "Watch this!" So, the Queen waved her hand and every English person in the crowd went crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering like mad. The Pope was standing there thinking, "Oh no, what am I going to do? I never thought she'd be able to do it." He thought to himself for a minute, and then turned to her and said, "I bet you I can make every Irish person in the crowd go wild. Not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head." The Queen replied, "No way, it can't be done." So, the Pope head-butted her.

10-11-2005, 03:07 PM
A father polar bear and a baby polar bear were walking across the ice when the baby polar bear said to his dad "Dad, am I part panda bear?" "No", replied his dad. "Well then, am I part brown bear?" Again his dad said no. A short time later the baby bear asked again, "Dad, maybe I'm part koala bear?" The father getting annoyed said, "look son, I'm a polar bear, your mums a polar bear. Why on earth do you keep asking for?!" "Because," the baby bear said,"I'm bloody freezing!!"

10-11-2005, 04:01 PM
What do you get if you mate a Rhino and a Zebra?????

Sorry... just played around with some pics today :D

10-11-2005, 04:43 PM
Great stuff Guys and girls, keep them coming :thumbsup:

10-11-2005, 04:43 PM
Two priests were on a train journey and the first looked up from a crossword puzzle he was doing and told the other that he was struggling with 23 down,the clue being íEssentially feminineí.and it was *unt. The second priest thinks for a second and says " I think youíll find it is the word íauntí. " "Oh of course !"says the first priest." Um ...do you have a rubber on you at all?" (Eraser for US readers!)

10-11-2005, 07:39 PM
There was a young man from china,
who wasnt a very good climber,
he slipped on a rock and lost his cock,
and now he has a vagina :cry3:

10-11-2005, 08:22 PM
There were three nuns in a desert. All three were dying of starvation and thirst. After a couple of days of walking they came to a castle in the middle of nowhere. Too their dismay there was no food or running water in the castle, all that was there was a bag of flour. The head nun said "I know what we will have to do, because we have no running water we will have to try and pee on the flour so we can make some bread and survive". She asked one of the nuns to try first. She squatted over the flour and tried to pee, but after half an our she gave up. The head nun screamed " What a waste of space you are, we could die because of you!!", so she asked upon the other nun to try. The nun squatted over the flour and tried her hardest but after forty five minutes she gave up without any success. The head nun screamed once again, "Both of you are useless, I will have to try myself!". So she squatted over the flour and tried her very hardest to push out a pee. She tried so hard that at the end she farted, and blew all of the flour away, and all the nuns pissed them selves laughin.

10-11-2005, 09:52 PM
Little Billy was sitting on a park bench one day eating chocolate bars.
He has a whole bag full of them & is on his 10th one already!
An old man sitting next to him was observing the carnage & thought, "Man, this kidís pretty hardcore!"
So the old man says to him, "Hey kid, do you realize that if you keep eating all that chocolate, its gonna cause pimples & make your teeth rot?"
Little Billy, clearly hopped up on all the sugar says rapily, "Yeah, well, my grandfather lived to be 107."
To which the old man replied, "Your grandfather lived to 107 eating chocolate bars?"
Little Billy says, "No, he lived that long from minding his own fu*king business!"

11-11-2005, 03:54 PM
Something to offend everyone in here:

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do accountants use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the ****** on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

What's the Cuban National Anthem?
"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

11-11-2005, 04:03 PM
Hi everyone

A friend of mine is selling a Palm Pilot and DVD writer. Both are in excellent condition if anyone is interested.

Palm Pilot £50
DVD Writer £45

Attached are a couple of photos, let me know if you want more info.


11-11-2005, 04:15 PM
Universal truths
1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.
6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
8) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.
18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the
first given opportunity.
19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong!
22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
24) You never ever run out of salt.
25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.
28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.
31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard
32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood
specifically to stir paint with.
33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
34) Bricks are horrible to carry.
35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.

11-11-2005, 04:22 PM
Warnings issued by the U.S. military to their own troops:

"Aim towards the enemy."
Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher.

"When the pin is pulled, Mr Grenade is not our friend."
US Marine Corps.

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
USAF Ammo Troop.

"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
Infantry Journal.

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what is left of your unit."
Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
U.S. Air Force Manual.

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
Infantry Journal.

"Tracers work both ways."
US Army Ordnance.

"Five-second fuses only last three seconds."
Infantry Journal.

"Any ship can be a minesweeper... once."

"Do not draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
Your comrades.

"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him."
USAF Ammo Troop.

11-11-2005, 04:24 PM
Bizarre complaints
These are extracts from actual letters sent to various councils and Housing associations throughout the UK:


1. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

2. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

3. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

4. I wish to report that the tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was that bad wind the other night that blew them off.

5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

6. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path, my wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant?

7. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. 50% of them are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.

8. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

9. Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

10. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

11. I want to complain about the farmer across the road, every morning at 6:00am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.

12. The man next door has a large erection in the garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

13. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two small children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

14. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.

15. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

16. I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still have had no satisfaction.

17. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus in it.

18. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it any more.

11-11-2005, 04:29 PM

11-11-2005, 06:21 PM
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my ***** one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my *****... fifty times!"

11-11-2005, 06:25 PM
Guys excellent stuff :laugh: we should be paid for what we do.

11-11-2005, 06:25 PM
Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together. As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love.
Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back. So, what she did is this: she took a polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone." Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken, so what he did next was awesome. He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and mailed the picture to her parents. :grin: :grin:

11-11-2005, 06:26 PM
A husband was in big trouble coming up to his wedding anniversary. His high spending, forever nagging, wife told him "ok you small brained dumbfu*k, tomorrow is our anniversary and there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat".

The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday!!

11-11-2005, 06:30 PM
Guys excellent stuff :laugh: we should be paid for what we do.

Sounds good to me :grin: :grin: - off now for the weekend see ya all monday:thumbsup:

11-11-2005, 06:41 PM
Sounds good to me :grin: :grin: - off now for the weekend see ya all monday:thumbsup:

Have a good one mate.

11-11-2005, 06:47 PM



11-11-2005, 08:47 PM
Ian nice LOL :laugh:

11-11-2005, 08:48 PM
A guy is in a queue at the Supermarket when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and
although familiar, he can’t place where he might know her from. So he
says "Sorry do you know me?" She replies, "I maybe mistaken, but I
thought you might be the father of one of my children!

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful to his wife. "Jees" he says "are you that stripogram on my stag night that I shagged on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my ar*e??"

"No!" she replies, "I’m your sons’ English Teacher!!"

11-11-2005, 10:40 PM
A guy with a tall hat walks into a cafe and orders a bowl of chicken noodle soup. He takes one spoonful and leaves the cafe without paying. The waitress is pissed and tells the manager. The manager runs outside looking for the man with the tall hat and sees him walking up some stairs down the street. The manager follows him to the stairs, goes up and through the door at the top, then realizes heís entered a whore house. The manager asks to know where the gentleman with the tall hat is and the madam reluctantly points to his room. The manager knocks a couple times and, with no reply, he kicks in the door. He sees the man eating this girl out and angerly asks him why he didnít pay for his soup. The gentleman with the tall hat replied that there was a hair in his soup.
The manager says "You have your face in that and your worried about a hair in your soup???."
The gentleman says "Yup, and if I find a chicken noodle in here Iím not paying for this either!"

12-11-2005, 04:52 PM
Sex is bad

Sex is a sin

Sins are forgiven

So stick it in. :laugh:

12-11-2005, 07:15 PM
A building was on fire, and when the fireman climbed up the ladder to the second floor, he found a beautiful naked woman trapped.
"What a coincidence," he said. "Youíre the second pregnant woman Iíve rescued this week."
"But Iím not pregnant," said the woman.
"Youíre not rescued yet, either." :grin:

12-11-2005, 08:56 PM
My uncle just got struck off the medical register for having sex with
patients, it's a real shame cause he's a really good vet.

Little girl gets lost in Tesco's, security guard asks her 'what's your
like?' Little girl replies 'Big co*ks and vodka'.

A couple in a cafe in Llangollen asks 'Can you settle an argument for us
pronounce where we are, VERY slowly?' The waitress leaned over and said
........ 'Burrr gurrr king'.

It's important to keep fit as you get older, my granny started walking 5
miles a day when she was 60. Today she's 97 and we don't know where
hell she is!

Sandwich walks into a bar. Barman says, "Sorry, we don't serve food."

Penguin walks into a bar and says, "Have you seen my dad?" Barman says, "Dunno, what's he look like?"

William Shakespeare walks into a bar. Barman says, "Get out, yer bard!"

12-11-2005, 09:08 PM
Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.

-Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the object you wish to view.

- Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.

- Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

- Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

- Anorexics - When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.

- An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

- Olympic athletes - Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by running a bit slower.

- Vegetarians coming to dinner? - Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know the difference.

- Invited by vegetarians for dinner? - Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

- High blood pressure sufferers - Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

- Heavy smokers - Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your roof.

- Corsa drivers - Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway, so it may as well look like one.

- A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

- Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by banging your feet twice on each stair.

- Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

- Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

- Housewives - We've found the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.

- Don't invite drug addicts round for a meal on Boxing Day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.

12-11-2005, 10:00 PM
I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?".

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?".I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of marmite......... one jar.

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?". I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

My next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".

So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".

Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran, even he's a witch.

And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?".

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".

Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Oi - get out! we don't want your type in here"

A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"

A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"

12-11-2005, 10:51 PM
I'm not sure if pictures goes as jokes? :)
I just made this... not exactly a handyman i guess...

12-11-2005, 11:03 PM
I'm not sure if pictures goes as jokes? :)
I just made this... not exactly a handyman i guess...


And the point is?? :tongue3:

You are getting up my nose :tongue:

13-11-2005, 04:23 PM
what do you call a gay midget ?

A lowblow

13-11-2005, 08:08 PM
A guy is walking into his apt. room one day when he see a beautiful young woman standing outside her door in nothing but a towel. she waves him over and says," you wanna see whats under this towel?" she slowly starts to undo the towel when she stops and says " I think I hear somebody coming, we better go inside." So they go into her room and she proceeds undoing her towel. After it is completely off she asks, "What do you like the best?" The man replies, " your ears". She says "my ears? what about these t*ts, or my ass or my pussy? why do you like my ears?" The man replies, "remember in the hallway when you said your heard somebody coming,...it was me!" :grin:

14-11-2005, 04:33 PM
A nun walks into a doctorís office and asks to see the doctor. The doctor finally enters the examining room and asks her whatís wrong. She says,"Doc, Iíve got some bad ithcing... down there." "Let me take a look the doctor says." He goes down, stands up, and leaves the room. Ten minutes later he comes back into the room. "Sister, Iíve got some bad news... Youíve got crabs." Outraged, the nun says, "Thatís impossible! Iím 85 years old! Iíve never seen a naked man in my life!" "Well, maybe you should get a second opinion." The doctor suggests. So the next day the nun goes to another doctors office. The same thing happened. He went down to take a look, stood up and left the room. Ten minutes later he came back. "Sister, Iíve got some good new.... and Iíve got some bad news." he says. "The good news is that you donít have crabs." "Wheeew! I knew it! I mean, Iím 85 years old, and Iíve never seen a man naked in my life!" says the nun. "So whatís the bad news?" she asks. "Well... here we go, the itching isnít from crabs... itís fruit flies, your cherryís rotten." :cry3:

14-11-2005, 04:51 PM
An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years. He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner. "You see that thing, woman?" he happily exclaimed, "What do you think we ought to do with it?"
With one eye open, his wife replied, "Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out, this might be a good time to wash it." :grin:

14-11-2005, 05:02 PM
3 young tinkers were in school and on friday afternoon their teacher told
'em to learn something about animals over the weekend and to tell her about
it on monday.

so the boyos went off and on monday morning their teacher says "well,
michael what did you learn?" he replies " Miss, i learned that a cat has 4
legs, a tail and likes fish for dinner". "well done michael, thats
exceleent" says the teacher "and now johnny what about you?" Johnny got up
and replied that he learned that a horse has 4 legs, a tail and that you can
ride 'em" The teacher was very happy so far and congragulated everyone then
she ,oved onto Seamus.
Seamus took out a match box and in it he had a spider. he took out the
spider and told his teacher that he was going to giive a demonstration.
seamus put the spider in the desk and said -"mr spider take 3 steps forward"
so the spider walked foprward 3 steps. then he says " mr spider take 3 steps
back£ and again the spider obeyed. "thats great seamus i am really proud of
you". " but miss i'm not finished yet" he says. so seamus went and took the
legs off of mr spider. "thats tterrible seamus what are you doing??? says
the teacher. watch he says. seamus told mr spider to take 3 steps forward
and 3 steps back but mr spider never moved. by this stage the teacher wes
very angry and demanded to know what seamus was doing. Well says Seamus "i
learned that when you take the legs off of spiders that they go deaf!!!!!!"

14-11-2005, 05:28 PM
new element!!!!!!!!!!!!


A major research institution has announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science - "governmentium." It has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons and 111 assistant deputy neutrons for an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons that are further surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like sub particles called peons.

Governmentium has no electrons and is therefore inert. It can be detected however since it impedes every reaction it comes into contact with. A tiny amount of governmentium can take a reaction that normally occurs in seconds and slow it to the point where it take days.

Governmentium has a normal half life of three years. It doesn't decay but "re-organizes", a process where assistant deputy neutrons and deputy neutrons change places. This process actually causes it to grow as in the confusion some morons become neutrons, thereby forming isodopes.

This phenomenon of "moron promotion" has led to some speculation that governmentium forms whenever sufficient morons meet in concentration forming critical morass. Researches believe that in Governmentium, the more you re-organize, the morass you cove

14-11-2005, 06:11 PM
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee".

The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up". He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee". The waiter says "Whoa, Tonto. We're still cleaning up your mess from the last time you were here. What the heck was that all about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me in training for upper management. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the sh*t, and disappear for the rest of the day."
:laugh: :laugh:

14-11-2005, 06:21 PM
Bloke loses an arm in an accident and is severely down in the dumps about it. He climbs to the top of a 5 storey building and is about to jump off. He looks down and sees a man with no arms whatsoever, and he's skipping along, jumping and clicking his heels in the air. The guy runs down from the top of the building and chases the other bloke down the street until he catches up with him. Do you realise, he says, that you've just saved my life. I was just about to end it all by jumping 5 storeys and then I saw you, with no arms and yet you don't seem to care and are so happywith life.
"Happy!". **** off you ****. I've got an itchy back!

formerly known as acpes

14-11-2005, 06:22 PM
There was this male engineer, on a cruise ship in the Caribbean for the first time. It was wonderful, the experience of his life. He was being waited on hand and foot. But, it did not last. A Hurricane came up unexpectedly. The ship went down almost instantly.

The man found himself, he knew not how, swept up on the shore of an island. There was nothing else anywhere to be seen. No person, no supplies, nothing. The man looked around. There were some bananas and coconuts, but that was it. He was desperate, and forlorn, but decided to make the best of it. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and mostly looked to the sea mightily for a ship to come to his rescue.

One day, as he was lying on the beach stroking his beard and looking for a ship, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. Could it be true, was it a ship? No, from around the corner of the island came this row-boat. In it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, or at least seen in 4 months. She was tall, tanned, and her blond hair flowing in the sea breeze gave her an almost ethereal quality. She spotted him also as he was waving and yelling and screaming to get her attention.

She rowed her boat towards him. In disbelief, he asked, "Where did you come from? How did you get here"?

She said, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed on this island when my cruise ship sank"

"Amazing", he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? Where did you get the row-boat? You must have been really lucky to have a row-boat wash-up with you?"

"It is only me", she said, "and the row-boat didn't wash up, nothing else did."

"Well then", said the man, "how did you get the row-boat?"

"I made the row-boat out of raw material that I found on the island", replied the woman. "The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree"

"But, but", asked the man, "what about tools and hardware, how did you do that?"

"Oh, no problem", replied the woman, "on the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that If I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But, enough of that", she continued. "Where do you live?" At last the man was forced to confess that he had been sleeping on the beach.

"Well, let's row over to my place", she said. So they both got into the row-boat and left for her side of island. The woman easily rowed them around to a wharf that led to the approach to her place. She tied up the row-boat with a beautifully woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk and around a Palm tree, there stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

"It's not much", she said, "but I call it home. Sit down please, would you like to have a drink?"

"No", said the man, "one more coconut juice and I will puke."

"It won't be coconut juice", the woman replied, "I have a still, how about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After a while, when they had exchanged their stories, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?"

"No", the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life, and even on the cruise ship"

"Well if you would like to shave, there is a man's razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom." So, the man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle, two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. The man shaved, showered and went back down stairs...

"You look great", said the woman, "I think I will go up and slip into something more comfortable." So she did. And, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman returned - this time wearing fig leafs strategically positioned and smelling faintly of gardenia.

"Tell me", she asked, "we have both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been lonely, is there anything that you really miss? Something that all men and women need? Something that it would be really nice to have right now?"

"Yes there is", the man replied, as he moved closer to the woman while fixing a winsome gaze upon her, "Tell me ... Do you happen to have an Internet connection?" :tongue: :tongue:

14-11-2005, 06:29 PM
a nun gets on a train and a skinhead sits in front of her eating a bag of prawns. He starts biting the heads off and spitting them at her. after a few minutes she gets fed up and throws them out of the window, and then pulls the emergency cord. The skinhead shouts out " you stupid slut, you'll get fined £50 for that".
Nun replies "and when I cry rape and they smell your fingers you'll get 10years"

14-11-2005, 06:35 PM
Observing The Baby One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, scepticism.

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband. "A penny for your thoughts," she said.

"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only £25.50." :laugh: :laugh:

14-11-2005, 08:34 PM
a nun gets on a train and a skinhead sits in front of her eating a bag of prawns. He starts biting the heads off and spitting them at her. after a few minutes she gets fed up and throws them out of the window, and then pulls the emergency cord. The skinhead shouts out " you stupid slut, you'll get fined £50 for that".
Nun replies "and when I cry rape and they smell your fingers you'll get 10years"

:laugh: Andy me old mate, great to see you posting again :thumbsup:

14-11-2005, 08:37 PM
Sean Connery was interviewed by Donahue, and bragged that despite his 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night. Kylie Minogue, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Kylie said, "Sean, if I am not being too forward, Iíd love to have sex with an older man. Letís go back to my place."
So they go back to her place and have great sex. Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me sleep for half an hour, and we can have even better sex. But while Iím sleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and my di*k in your right hand." Kylie looks a bit perplexed, but says, "Okay". He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex. Then Sean says, "Kylie, that was wonderful. But if you let me sleep for an hour, we can have the best sex yet. But again, hold my balls in your left hand, and my di*k in your right hand." Kylie is now used to the routine and complies. The results are mind blowing.
Once itís all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Kylie asks "Sean, tell me, does my holding your balls in my left hand and your di*k in my right stimulate you while youíre sleeping?" Sean replies, "No, but the last time I slept with a slut from Melbourne, she stole my wallet."

16-11-2005, 04:36 PM
Amber, A 16 year old cathlic girl goes to confession.

Amber: I called a boy a mother fuc*er last night.

Priest: Why did you do that?

Amber: He kissed me.

The priest bent over and kissed her.
Priest: like that?

Amber: yes.

Priest: Is that why you called him a mother fuc*er?

Amber: No, then he grabbed me butt.

The priest grabbed her butt.
Priest: like this?

Amber: yes.

Priest: Is that why you called him a mother fuc*er?

Amber: no, then he pulled my pants down.

The priest then pulled her pants down.
Priest:like this?


Priest : Is that why you called him a mother fuc*er?

Amber: No, then he took off my panties, and put his you know what in my you know where.

The priest took off her panties, and put his you know what in her you know where.
Priest: Like this?

Amber: yes

Priest: Is that why you called him a mother fuc*er?

Amber: no

Priest: then why did you call him a mother fuc*er?

Amber: He had herpes!

Priest: That MOTHER FUC*ER!

16-11-2005, 05:09 PM
Never take the pi$$ out of a dwarf with learning difficulties.

Its not big and its not clever :D:D:D

16-11-2005, 06:35 PM
:laugh: Andy me old mate, great to see you posting again :thumbsup:

Seconded :):):)

16-11-2005, 06:55 PM
Seconded :):):)
Hiya Kevan
Hows it going?

16-11-2005, 07:48 PM
Never take the pi$$ out of a dwarf with learning difficulties.

Its not big and its not clever :D:D:D

Now that is below the belt.

16-11-2005, 08:23 PM
The spark had been lost in this guyís marriage, so he was trying to think of a way to rekindle it.

One night he came from work, and found his wife asleep in bed.

He thought to himself, "what should I do?"

"Oh-I know." He proceeded to get under the covers and go down on his wife.

Soon she began to gently squirm and moan in pleasure.

After a few minutes, her body spasmed with ecstasy as she climaxed.

Afterwards, the man went straight to the bathroom to brush his teeth.

When he got there, the light was on and he saw his wife there shaving her legs.

He exclaimed, "What are you doing in here?!?"

She said, "Shhhh!," pointing at the bed, "Youíll wake your mother"

16-11-2005, 08:35 PM
Not sure how this one will go down...............if your sqeamish stop reading now

10 year old lad shagging his 7 year old sister,Lad says"Your a better sh*g than Mum,little girl replies "i know, Dad says so"?

16-11-2005, 09:18 PM
Not sure how this one will go down...............if your sqeamish stop reading now

10 year old lad shagging his 7 year old sister,Lad says"Your a better sh*g than Mum,little girl replies "i know, Dad says so"?

:oops: I will pretend to be shocked, but LOL, a lot worse was posted on f-chat.

16-11-2005, 09:19 PM
the big bad wolf said to little red riding hood "unbutton your blouse and let me suck your ti*s" fu*k off she replied as she tugged down her pantie’s "eat me like the fu*kin book says" :shocked:

16-11-2005, 11:35 PM
................ ....... ........ .......... ........... ............ .......---- ------
___ -....... ........ ..... --- ........ ...... ......... .... .. .... .... .. ....... ..... ..
........ ...... ......... .... .. .... .... .. ....... ..... .. ........ ...... ......... .... .. .... .... .. ....... ..... .. ........ ...... ......... .... .. .... .... .. ....... ..... .. ........ ...... ......... .... .. .... .... .. ....... ..... .. ........ ...... ......... .... .. .... .... .. ....... ..... .. ........ ...... ......... .... .. .... .... .. ....... ..... ..---__ - _ ........ ...... ......... .... .. .... .... .. ....... ..... ..

What is it?

David Blunketts resignation letter

17-11-2005, 08:56 AM
Excellent Andy...............a gem!!:grin:

17-11-2005, 09:00 AM
highly poshly spoken Guards officer turns
up at the red-lit door of a working girl.
She opens the door looking scantily clad and says,
"Well hello there" in a soft voice.
The Guardsman, looking every inch his 6 foot 6 inches in his best parade
ground gear says in his equally loud parade ground voice,
"My dear, how much for the pleasure of my company?"
"For you", says the timid voiced young tart, "Fifty quid"
The Guardsman turns away from facing the girl and says in an even louder
"Company...... By the right ...... March"

17-11-2005, 09:27 AM
European Security Levels Raised

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to
recent terrorist bombings and therefore have raised
their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved'.
Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again
to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Londoners
have not been "A Bit Cross" since the Blitz in 1940 -
when tea supplies all but ran out.

Terrorists have been officially re-categorised from
"Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance". The last time the
British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was
during the Great Fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that
it had also raised its terror alert level from "Run"
to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are
"Surrender" and "Collaborate". The rise was
precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's
white flag factory, effectively paralysing the
country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French that are on a
heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the
alert level from "shout loudly and excitedly" to
"elaborate military posturing". Two more levels
remain, "ineffective combat operations" and "change

The Germans, wishing to stay in lock-step with their
neighbours, have also increased their alert state from
"disdainful arrogance" to "dress in uniform and sing
marching songs". They have two higher alert levels:
"invade a neighbour" and "lose".

The world should now feel a safer place...

17-11-2005, 04:11 PM

A woman rushes home, bursting through the front door of her
house yelling to her husband, "Pack your bags baby, I just won the lottery!
All £10,000,000....

"Woooohooo!!!! That's great sweetie" he replies."Do I pack for the beach or
the mountains?"

Who cares", she replies, "Just f**k off!"

18-11-2005, 10:46 AM
A young blonde Portsmouth girl, down on her luck, decided to end it
all by casting herself into the cold, dark waters off Gunwharf Quay. As she stood on the edge, pondering the infinite, a young sailor
noticed her as he strolled by. "You're not thinking of jumping, are you
babes?" he asked. "Yes, I am" replied the sobbing girl.

Putting his arm around her, the kind sailor coaxed her back from the
edge. "Look, nothing's worth that. I'll tell you what; I'm sailing off for
America tomorrow. Why don't you stow away on board and start a new
life over there? I'll set you up in one of the lifeboats on the deck,
bring you food and water every night and I'll look after you if you look after
me - if you know what I mean. You just have to keep very quiet so that you
won't be found".

The girl, having no better prospects, agreed, and the sailor sneaked
her on board that very night. For the next 3 weeks the sailor came to
her lifeboat every night, bringing food and water, and making love to
her until dawn. Then, during the fourth week, the captain was
performing a routine inspection of the ship and its lifeboats.

He peeled back the cover to find the startled blonde, and demanded an
explanation. The girl came clean, "I've stowed away to get to America,
one of the sailors is helping me out, he set me up in here and brings me
food and water every night and he's screwing me."

The puzzled captain stared at her for a moment before a grin cracked
his face and he replied, "He certainly is pet. This is the Isle of
Wight Ferry!" :grin: :grin:

18-11-2005, 11:55 AM
Q: What do Alexander the Great and Winnie
The Pooh have in common?

A: The same middle name.

18-11-2005, 01:36 PM
4 people are in the carriage of a train - an Englishman, a Frenchman, a pretty, young blonde girl and an ugly old woman.

It all goes dark when the train enters a tunnel. In the dark there's the sound of an almighty slap, and when the train emerges from the tunnel the Frenchman is rubbing his face, and there's a huge red mark on his cheek.

The old lady thinks "I bet that Frenchman fondled the blonde in the dark and she slapped him"

The pretty young blonde thinks " I bet the Frenchman tried to fondle me in the dark, got the old lady by mistake, and she hit him"

The Frenchman thinks "I bet that Englishman fondled the blonde in the dark, but the blonde thought it was me and hit me"

The Englishman thinks "I hope there's another tunnel coming up soon so I can slap that French guy again"

18-11-2005, 05:02 PM
An ozzie bloke buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.

After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting

pregnant, and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should

try artificial insemination.

The ozzie doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not

wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know

when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop

standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they

are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion

that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep

himself. So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out

into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to


Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are

all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take,

and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the

woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and

goes to bed exhausted.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.

"Try again." he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive

them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon

returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out

of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are

lying in the grass.

"No," she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is

beeping the horn."

18-11-2005, 05:42 PM
A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The busdriver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

18-11-2005, 05:43 PM
A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."

18-11-2005, 05:45 PM
This guy in a bar notices a woman, always alone, who comes in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.

"No thank you," she said politely." "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."

"That must be rather difficult," the man replied.

"Oh, I don't mind too much," she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset."
:laugh: :laugh:

18-11-2005, 07:54 PM
Malcolm :thumbsup:

18-11-2005, 07:54 PM
one day a boy decided to get some of his stuff out of his parents closet. not knowing the boy was in the closet his mother brought her lover into the room where they began to have sex, so the boy remained hidden in the closet. hearing her husband come in the front door she made her lover hide in the closet." hello,sure is dark in here", said the boy. :"what are you doing in here asked the lover? " "i have a baseball, wanna by it?" "no" says the lover"well you know my dad is down stairs" thinking the boy may tell his father about the affair he askes how much. "1,000 bucks" says the boy." fine i’ll buy it" the next day the boy hides in the closet again while th mother brings in her lover. again her husband comes home early so she hides her lover in the closet. "sure is dark in here, you know i have a baseball glove, wanna buy it?" thinking the boy may tell his father he asks " how much?" "1,000" says the biy" i’ll buy it" says the lover. that night at dinner his father asked him to go get his glove so they could toss the ball around. " i cant do that because i sold it to my friends" " how much did you sell it for " asks the father "2,000 bucks" replies the boy " what, how could you take advantage of your friends like that? tomorrow you are going to church to confess" the next day when the boy entered the the confessional he sat down and the priest asked him to confess the boy said " SURE IS DARK IN HERE!!!" and the preist said " oh, dont start that sh*t again!!!"

18-11-2005, 08:39 PM
there are three ants who lived on a human body one ant lived in an ear
one lived in a nose and one lived in a pussy. the ant in the pussy asked the other ants how they like there houses. the ear ant said its alright but theres something sticky in there. the ant in the nose said its ok but something keeps pointing in here . then they asked the ant in the pussy how he liked his house he said itsnice but the doors always open and some baldhead man keeps coming in here and he ahd the nerve to spit on me.

19-11-2005, 06:18 PM
A couple decide to go for a meal on their anniversary and after some
deliberation decide on their local Chinese restaurant. They peruse the menu
and finally agree to share the chef's special 'Chicken Surprise.'

The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as
the wife is about to start in on the meal, the lid of the pot rises a tiny
amount and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the
lid slams back down. 'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband.
He hasn't so she asks him to look in the pot.

He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and again he sees two beady
little eyes looking around before it firmly slams back down. Rather
perturbed he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening and demands
an explanation.

'Well sir', says the waiter, 'What did you order?'

'We both chose the same', he replies, 'the Chicken Surprise'

'Oh I do apologise, this is my fault' says the waiter.....

{scroll down}

'I've brought you the Peking duck'

20-11-2005, 03:32 PM
A woman walks into a doctors office and sits down. She asks the nurse to speak to the doctor in his office because she has a problem that she cannot talk about. The doctor calls her in. At first she is too embarrassed to tell him but then she finally gives in. She says"Doctor, I have a problem with my...well...um down there." The doctors asks her what the problem is because it could be anything. She says, "You have to make sure no one knows of this because i would just die, my pussy lips are....abnormal." The doctor asks if they are a little big or what the deal is and the lady says "theyre fu*king huge". The doctor says that they will give her the surgery immediately. The woman then comes in and has the surgery done. She wakes up and there are 3 roses lying next to her on the bed. She starts freakin. "I want my doctor. Where is he!" The doctor comes rushing in and calms her down. "Where the fu*k did these roses come from. I told you to keep it confidential". The doctor says, " Well maam, the first rose is from me because I am proud of the way you handled the operation. There were no problems." She says, "and the others" Then he says," The second one is from my secretary because she has the same problem but has always been too scared to get it fixed." She says, "And, the third" The doctor says" The third rose is from the kid at the burn center, he thanks you for his new ears!"

20-11-2005, 08:53 PM
Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?

Because he heard the snow blower coming.

21-11-2005, 02:02 PM
There are two blondes and a brunette on an island. One of the blondes finds a bottle and a genie pops out. The genie says he will grant them one wish each (you get the picture)...

The first blonde says, "I need to get off this island, I wish for a rowboat." With a flash, a rowboat appears and she rushes out into the ocean.

The second blonde says, "I need to get off this island, I need jetski"

With a flash, a jetski appears and she rushes out into the ocean, soon overtaking the first blonde.

The genie looks enquiringly toward the brunette, who with raised eyebrows, smiles and says," Just give me a million dollars, I'll take the bridge."

21-11-2005, 02:03 PM
A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynaecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh.

As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That's right," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks.

"Yes," the woman says, "you're checking for any lumps of breast cancer."

"That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes."

21-11-2005, 02:06 PM
A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home.

He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later."

The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair.

She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office.

She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."

:grin: :grin:

21-11-2005, 08:16 PM
A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home.

He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later."

The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair.

She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office.

She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."

:grin: :grin:

LMAO :laugh:

21-11-2005, 08:16 PM
One day at school a boy came to class 5 minutes late and the teacher said "where have you been"? "On top of Cherry Hill" he says. Ten minutes later another boy comes in and the teacher says "where have you been"? "On top of Cherry Hill" he says. 15 minutes later a boy comes in with his pants unzipped and clothes wrinkled, the teacher says "where have you been", "On top of Cherry Hill" he says. About 20 minutes later a girl walks in the classroom. The teacher says "let me guess you were on Cherry Hill". "I am Cherry Hill" the girl replies.

22-11-2005, 12:42 PM
Perfect Companion:

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.

So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman

He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.
She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you!
She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care
of them.
She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

Of course the rest is history......................

22-11-2005, 12:51 PM
An Australian, an Irishman and a Liverpudlian are in a bar.
They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.

He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.

They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs:

"My God, it's Jesus!"

Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.

Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter. Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.

After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: "My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"

Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.
"Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle."

Jesus then approaches the Liverpudlian who knocks over a chair and a table in trying to get away from the Son of God. "What's wrong my son, can you not accept my gratitude?" says Jesus.

The Liverpudlian shouts, "F*** off Jesus, I'm on disability benefit!!!!"

22-11-2005, 12:53 PM
>Two kids are playing football in a park in Manchester.
>Suddenly one of them is attacked by a rottweiler which clamps its mouth
>around the kid's neck.
>The other kid, seeing the danger his pal is in, picks up one of the
>sticks they were using as a goal post, puts it through the dogs collar,
>and using all his strength twists it until the dogs neck breaks and his
>friend is saved.
>This is all seen by a Manchester Evening News reporter who sees a
>possible national headline in the incident, and goes over to the kids.
>That was really heroic" he says "I can see it now: Heroic United fan
>risks life to save best friend."
>But I don't follow United" says the kid.
>"Ok, how about: Super City Kid fights off rabid rottweiler to save his
>"But I don't follow City either" says the kid.
>"Well who do you support" asks the reporter.
>"Liverpool" he says.
>"Even better" says the reporter "Scouse Bast**d murders family pet"!

22-11-2005, 01:01 PM
A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo. To help him, he hired an Indian Scout. The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo.

After riding awhile, the Indian gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says "Humm, buffalo come". The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing.

He is confused and says to the Indian, "I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come?"

The Indian replies, "Ear sticky".

22-11-2005, 01:02 PM
A school teacher started his first job at a primary school and was eager to make a good impression on the kids. So, when he noticed a boy standing all by himself during recess, while the other kids were playing a game of soccer, he walked up to him and asked "Are you alright?"

The boy assured him everything was fine and the teacher left it at that. A few minutes later, however, he noticed that the boy was still standing alone and had not joined the other boys.

Deciding to find out what was wrong this time, the teacher approached him again and said, " Hi, are you sure you're not feeling left out? Would you like me to be your friend?"

The boy obviously felt a little embarrassed, but after a little hesitation said, "Maybe". Encouraged by his progress, the teacher asked, "Tell me, why are you standing here alone?"

"Because", the boy said with clear exasperation in his voice. "I am the goalie"

22-11-2005, 02:57 PM
Guys some funny stuff here :thumbsup:

22-11-2005, 02:58 PM
This guy is having trouble getting laid so his college buddies set him up on a blind date. well the night of the date comes around and he takes her to the fair. he asks her "what do you want to do?" she says "i wanna get weighed" so they go and she gets weighed, then they go on the roller coaster, and the ferris wheel, and he asks her "what do you want to do?"
and she again says "i wanna get weighed" he is a bit pis*ed off at this but heīs desperate so she gets weighed again, after sheīs weighed he again asks her what she wants to do, and she again repeats her previous answer"i wanna get weighed" on hearing this he takes her back to the sorority house and races off, thinking "shes creepy" when she gets in her room mate asks "how it went" she merly responded by saying "oh waura, it was wousy"

22-11-2005, 02:58 PM
Guys some funny stuff here :thumbsup:
You started it!:thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup:

22-11-2005, 03:55 PM
Guys some funny stuff here :thumbsup:

Teamwork Steve, :grin: :grin: :grin:

22-11-2005, 04:02 PM
A preacher woke up one Sunday morning and looked outside and saw it was a beautiful day. He decided to skip church and go play golf. So he called the junior pastor at his church and told him he was sick and couldn't give the sermon. The junior pastor told him not to worry, he would deliver the sermon.

The pastor drove about 40 miles away from town to avoid being spotted. As he was setting up his first drive on the first hole, Jesus leaned over to God in heaven and asked him, "Are You going to let him get away with this?"

God told Jesus not to worry, he would handle it. Right as God said that, the preacher hit the drive of his life. The ball traveled all 450 feet to the green, bounced once, and rolled in the hole. The preacher was ecstatic. Jesus asked God,"Why would you let him do that?"

God said, "Because, who is he gonna tell?" :smile: :smile:

22-11-2005, 04:05 PM
On their anniversary night, the husband sat his wife sat down in the den with her favourite magazine, turned on the soft reading lamp, slipped off her shoes, patted and propped her feet and announced that he was preparing dinner all by himself.

"How romantic!" she thought.

Two-and-a-half hours later, she was still waiting for dinner to be served.

She tiptoed to the kitchen and found it a colossal mess. Her harried husband, removing something indescribable from the smoking oven, saw her in the doorway. "Almost ready!" he vowed. "Sorry it took me so long -- I had to refill the pepper shaker."

"Why, honey, how long could that have taken you?"

"More'n an hour, I reckon. Wasn't easy stuffin' it through those dumb little holes." :laugh: :laugh:

22-11-2005, 04:50 PM
Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.
Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you."
The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?"
Bob says, "OK."
Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?"
Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."
Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.
The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."
Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your willy?"
The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it.

22-11-2005, 04:52 PM
Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor. The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."
Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?"
The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."

22-11-2005, 04:53 PM
A little blind girl goes up to her mum and says, "Mummy, mummy, when will I be able to see?"
Her mum replies "I'll tell you what, I'll take you to the chemist and get you some special cream for your eyes and you will be able to see in the morning."
So off they went to the chemist, got the cream, and went home, all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited at the prospect of being able to see again. Once they got home, the mother put the cream on the little girls eyes, wrapped a bandage around her head, and took her to bed.
The following morning the little girl stumbled into her mums bedroom and excitedly shouted "Quick mummy, take off the bandage so that i will be able to see again."
So the mother slowly took of all the bandages, taking her time, and all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited. Once they were off the little girl said "But mummy, I still can't see."
To which the mother replied, "April fool!"

22-11-2005, 04:54 PM
A guy stops to visit his friend who is paralyzed from the waist down. His friend says, "My feet are cold. Would you get me my sneakers for me?"
The guy goes upstairs, and there are his friend's two gorgeous daughters.
He says, "Hi, girls. Your dad sent me up here to **** you."
The first daughter says, "That's not true."
He says, "I'll prove it."
He yells down the stairs, "Both of them?"
His friend yells back, "Of course, both of them."

22-11-2005, 04:55 PM
.......am I getting a bit twisted?

22-11-2005, 05:07 PM
.......am I getting a bit twisted?

Yes but keep them coming :thumbsup:

22-11-2005, 05:08 PM
A guy picks up a girl in a bar they go back to his place
With the lights out he starts to caress her vagina
She says to him "can you take the ring off your finger"

22-11-2005, 05:10 PM
Little Johnny greeted his mother at the door after she had been out of town all week and said, "Mommy, guess what? Yesterday, I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and Daddy came into the room with the lady from next door. They undressed and got into bed and then Daddy got on top of her and ...."

The mother held up her hand and said, "Not another word! Wait until your father gets home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me."

The father came home and the wife tells him that she's leaving him. "But why?" croaked the husband.

"Go ahead, Johnny. Tell Daddy what you've just told me."

"Well," said little Johnny, "I was playing in your closet and Daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and Daddy got on top of her and they did just what you did, Mommy, with Uncle Bob." :tongue3: :tongue3:

22-11-2005, 07:35 PM
A little boy walks into a whore house with a $100 bill and a dead frog. He goes to the pimp and asks for the ho with the most venerial diseases. The pimp is surprised but gives the boy his ho.

After the boy does his deed, the pimp asks why he wanted the ho with all the venerial diseases. The boy answers:

When I go home, I will get a babysitter while my parents go out to eat and Iíll fu*k her.
When my parents get home, my dad will drive the sitter home and fu*k her in the car.
Tonight, my parents will fu*k.
Tomorrow, after my dad leaves for work, my mom will fu*k the mailman,


22-11-2005, 08:30 PM
One day this guy and his father were talking about his son getting laid because he’s still a virgin so his dad calls a stripper/hooker for him. but his father said to go and get some condoms so he doesnt get aids, so he goes to the chemist, a lady that works there said "what size do you need" and the son said "i dont know i never needed them before" the lady said "go to the back and there will be a fence with 3 holes there stick your di*k in all 3 holes and pick the one you like the best", so he starts to walk out back and the lady that works there ran out to the other side of the fence he puts his di*k in the first hole and she puts her mouth on the first hole and the son said "ah", he then puts his di*k in the second hole and she put her ass on the hole and the son said "alright", he takes his di*k and puts it in the last hole and the lady puts her pus*y on the hole and the son said "thats the sh*t i’m talking about" , he puts his di*k away and starts to walk back and the lady runs back, she asks "if he had picked one" he said fu*k the condoms i want 3 feet of that fence.

22-11-2005, 09:46 PM
There once was a couple named Blair,

Who liked to fu*k on the stair,

When the banister broke,

He quickened his stroke,

And finished her off in the air!

22-11-2005, 10:07 PM
David Blunkett walks into work,

his secretary says "what are you doing here, you've been sacked"

he replies "well i wish someone would tell this ****in dog"

22-11-2005, 10:56 PM

23-11-2005, 01:20 PM
A jumbo jet is just making its final approach to London's Heathrow Airport.

The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain, we're on our final descent into Heathrow and I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay here in London."

He forgets to switch off the intercom, now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit.

The co-pilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, we have a layover... whatcha gonna do in London?"

Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap.... then I'm gonna take that stewardess called Deloris with the huge chest out for dinner. Then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and make love to her big time all night."

Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle trying to get a look at the stewardess called Deloris.

Meanwhile Deloris is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she starts to run to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag, and down she goes.

The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta take a crap first." :grin: :grin: :grin:

23-11-2005, 02:36 PM
A boy in the sixth grade comes home after school one day. His mother notices that he's got a big smile on his face.
She asks, "Did anything special happen at school today?"
"Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!"
The mother is stunned. "You're going to talk about this with your father when he gets home."
Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher."
"That's right, Dad."
"Well, you became a man today - this is cause for celebration. Let's head out for some ice cream, and then I'll buy that new bike you've been asking for."
"That sounds great, Dad, but I can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me."

23-11-2005, 02:55 PM
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local
pubs, to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.

Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer" to
target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and
is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, in cans, from taps,
and in large "kegs.

Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typicaly a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of Beer and
then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered
helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific-looking women to whom they
would never normally be attracted. After drinking Beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often
with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life savings, in a familiar scam known as "A Relationship." It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and
punishment referred to as "Marriage." Apparently, men are much more
susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by
the predatory females.

Please forward this warning to every male you know. (And women
with a sense of humor!) If you fall victim to this insidious Beer and the
predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with
venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking
encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.

For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages. :grin: :grin: :grin: :grin:

23-11-2005, 04:10 PM
Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven.

At the gates, Saint Peter tells Ford, "Well, youíve been such a good guy and your invention of the car changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven."

So Henry Ford thinks about it and says, "I want to hang out with Adam, the first man."

So the guy at the gates points Adam out to Ford.

When Ford gets to Adam, Ford asks, "Hey arenít you the inventor of woman?"

Adam says, "Yes."

"Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:
1) There is too much front end protusion
2) It chatters at high speeds
3) The rear end wobbles too much
4) and the intake is too close to the exhaust."

"Hmmmmm.." says Adam, "hold on".

So Adam goes to the celestial computer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results.

The computer prints out a slip of paper and Adam reads it.

He then says to Ford, "It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to the stellar computer, more men are riding my invention than yours."

23-11-2005, 04:37 PM
Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven.

At the gates, Saint Peter tells Ford, "Well, youíve been such a good guy and your invention of the car changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven."

So Henry Ford thinks about it and says, "I want to hang out with Adam, the first man."

So the guy at the gates points Adam out to Ford.

When Ford gets to Adam, Ford asks, "Hey arenít you the inventor of woman?"

Adam says, "Yes."

"Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:
1) There is too much front end protusion
2) It chatters at high speeds
3) The rear end wobbles too much
4) and the intake is too close to the exhaust."

"Hmmmmm.." says Adam, "hold on".

So Adam goes to the celestial computer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results.

The computer prints out a slip of paper and Adam reads it.

He then says to Ford, "It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to the stellar computer, more men are riding my invention than yours."

:grin: :grin: :grin:

23-11-2005, 04:48 PM
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After the husband's checkup, the doctor called the wife into the office and
spoke to her alone. He said. "If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

1. Each morning fix him a healthy, low fat breakfast.

2. Be pleasant and make sure he is in a good mood

3. For lunch make him a nutritious meal.

4. For dinner, prepare him an especially nice meal

5. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day.

6. Don't discuss problems with him.

7. Make sure he is comfortable and relaxed after dinner. Bring his
slippers, run his bath water, and fluff up his pillow.

8. Ask what he would like to watch on television and give him the remote.

9 Always dress the way he wants you to, keep your weight down, and take
pains with your hair and makeup.

10. And most importantly, have sex with him several times a week, satfisfy
his every whim.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had said
to her.

She replied, "He said you're going to die." :grin: :grin:

23-11-2005, 05:16 PM
Malcolm :thumbsup: That sounds just like my wife.

23-11-2005, 05:17 PM
Good: Youíre pregnant.
Bad: Itís triplets.
Ugly: Your husband had a vasectomy five years ago.


Good: Your husband is not talking to you.
Bad: He wants a divorce.
Ugly: Heís a lawyer.


Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: Heís involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.


Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several pornographic movies hidden there.
Ugly: Youíre in them.


Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: Heís a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.


Good: You give "the birds and the bees" talk to your 14-year-old daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.


Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients.
Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do!

23-11-2005, 05:32 PM
Malcolm :thumbsup: That sounds just like my wife.

Steve that's scarey :skull: :skull: :skull:

23-11-2005, 09:31 PM
Steve that's scarey :skull: :skull: :skull:


The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon; you both keep doing it until youíre blue in the face.
The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage; youíll have sex anywhere, anytime. Including the kitchen.

The third kind is Bedroom Sex. Youíve calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so youíve got to do it in the bedroom.

The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Screw you!"

There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the court.

23-11-2005, 09:51 PM
What do English girls use for protection during sex?

A Bus Shelter:laugh:

24-11-2005, 12:17 PM
Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that
despite being 72 years of age,he could still have sex 3 times a night.

Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show,
Cilla said, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with
yer. Lets go back to my ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun.

So they went back to her place. After a couple of drinks they went off
to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.

Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for
half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold
my bawls in your left hand and ma wullie in your right hand".

Cilla looks a bit perplexed,but says "alright chuck".

He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than
before. Then Sean says, "Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me
shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have

"I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No
problem hun".

Cilla complies with the routine. The results are absolutely mind

Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla
asks "Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in
de other - does it really stimulate yer dat much?"

Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a
scouser , the bitch stole ma wallet!". :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

24-11-2005, 05:53 PM
I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We
lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy
together. I couldnít believe it when she asked if Iíd like to meet up and
maybe rekindle a little of that magic.
"Wow!", I said, "I donít know if I could keep pace with you now! Iím a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"
She giggled and said she was sure Iíd meet the challenge!
"Yeah", I said, "just so long as you donít mind a man with a waistband thatís a few inches wider these days!"
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me, saying that she thought tubby bald men were cute!
"Anyway, Iíve put on a couple of pounds myself!" she giggled
.....so I told her to fu*k off. :shocked:

24-11-2005, 08:31 PM
There is an Scotsman, a Englishman, and a Welshman sitting in a bar talking and the Scotsman is bragging that last night he made love to his wife 3 times and this morning his wife made him breakfast in bed and told him how amazing he was the night before. The Englishman said "Thatís nothing I made love to my wife 5 times last night and then this morning to show her appreciation she made me breakfast in bed and told me how much she loved me and gave me head while I ate my breakfast." Then the men turned to the Welshman and asked him how many times he made love to his wife the night before and he said "Only Once." The two men started laughing and the Englishman asked him what his wife said to him this morning and the Welshman smoothly replied "Donít stop." :laugh:

25-11-2005, 10:12 AM
A 4 year old girl in Vietnam is sat naked and crying by the river side and
along comes Gazza Glitter.
"Well hello there sweetie, whats the matter and where are your cloths and
"Oh kind sir!" sez herself "My parents have been drown by a Tsunami just now
and all my cloths were washed away with them!"
"Oh really!how cruel!" sez Gazza G dropping his kecks and getting all stiff
"It's just not you fkin day is it, kid!"

25-11-2005, 12:21 PM
How do you know when its bedtime in the Glitter house?

When the big hand touches the little hand

25-11-2005, 05:23 PM
Taxiing down the runway, the passenger jet abruptly came to a stop, turned around and returned to the gate. Eventually however, after an hour-long wait, the flight finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the Flight Attendant.
ďI hope itís all sorted now.Ē Replied the nervous passenger.
"Oh yes, itís fine now Sir, it just took us a while to find a new pilot."

25-11-2005, 05:24 PM
A surgeon was retiring from his long and rewarding career as a specialist in circumcision. Throughout his career, he had saved the foreskins of his patients in specimen jars as momentos, and now wished to fashion them into a souvenir.

So he brought his hundreds of specimens to a leathersmith, and asked him to craft an article of fine artistic quality. "I'll see what I can do," said the artisan, "Check back with me in one week."

The surgeon returned one week later, eager to see what magnificent article the leathersmith had made for him. The leathersmith presented him a wallet.

"All those foreskins and you only make me a wallet?" exclaimed the surgeon.

The leathersmith replied "Yes, but if you stroke it, it becomes a briefcase."

25-11-2005, 06:41 PM
An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....
>>>"Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot".
>>>So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.
>>>"Incredible" he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here."
>>>Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom,
>>>And then A £10 pound note appears.
>>>"This is amazing!"exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to
>>>"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!"shrieks the patient.
>>>The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears,
>>>And another and another and another, etc....
>>>Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.
>>>"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batt er. Just out
>>>of interest, How moch was in dare den?"
>>>The Doctor counts the pile of cash.
>>> "£1,990 exactly."
>>>"Ah, dat'd be roit,''says the Irishman
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >(Wait for it...........scroll down.)
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >I knew I wasn't feeling two grand.."

25-11-2005, 08:18 PM
Hey guys we should open a club with the material you have.

25-11-2005, 08:18 PM
Man: Hey sexy, do you want to go rent a movie, buy some pizza and maybe fu*k?

Woman: Hell No!

Man: What? You donít like Pizza???

25-11-2005, 09:05 PM
Two hillbillies walk into a bar to wash the dust from their throats and grab a beer. They are standing at the bar drinking their beers and talking about current cattle prices when all of a sudden a woman at a nearby table, who was eating a sandwich, begins to choke. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swaller?" The women violently shakes her head no. "Kin ya breathe?" the other asks. The women doesnít answer begins to turn blue. The hillbilly then runs up behind her, lifts up her dress, yanks down her panties and runs his tounge all over her ass in a circular motion until finally the woman becomes shocked and it send her into a violent spasm and the obstruction flys from her mouth. As she begins to breathe, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar and takes a drink from his beer. The other hillbilly says to his friend, "Ya know? Iíd heard of that there HIND LICK MANEUVER, but, I aint ever seen nobody do it.

25-11-2005, 09:33 PM
One day there was a husband and wife and they had little kids and they decided to disguise the word sexual intercourse as washing machine. One night the husband rolls over and says washing machine, washing machine, but the wife says "No not tonight dear" Again 10 minutes later the husband rolls over again and says washing machine, washing machine, but the wife says "No not tonight!". 10 minutes later the wife rolls over and goes okay washing machine, but the husband says "Nah its ok, it was a small load so i did it by hand"

25-11-2005, 09:51 PM
A guy walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender looks at him and sayís," See that woman over there, she will give you a blow job and sing the National Anthem at the same time." "No way," the guy sayís. "oh yeah, and she only charges $20." So he walks over and hands her a 20. She takes him into a back room and shuts off the light. As she starts to give him head, she also starts to sing. He couldnít believe it, the words came out so clear that it was impossible. When she finished, he quickly flicked on the light and saw her popping in her glass eye.

26-11-2005, 03:06 PM
A woman put an add in the paper saying that she needs a man who can satisfiy her in bed, wonít beat her, and wonít run from her.

She gets thousands and thousands of replies and canít find what she is looking for. So she is about to give up when one day the door bell rings.

She opens the door and there is a man sittin a wheel chair with no arms or legs.

She says," Can I help you?"

He says," I am here about your ad."

She says," Forgive me but I donít see how you can help me."

He says, " Well number one I donít have any arms so I canít beat you.
And number two I donít have any legs so I canít run from you."

She cuts in and says," Well how do you expect to help me with the third thing?"

He says, "I rang the door bell didnít I?"

26-11-2005, 03:08 PM
What is it that Gary Glitters girlfriends never do?
.Come on, come on. come on,come on.Come on, come on. come on,come on.Come on, come on.

26-11-2005, 03:13 PM
What is it that Gary Glitters girlfriends never do?
.Come on, come on. come on,come on.Come on, come on. come on,come on.Come on, come on.
:shocked: :shocked: :laugh:

26-11-2005, 03:19 PM
George best has had a row with God already.
Apparently he is pissed off as he died the day they brought in 24hr drinking.

26-11-2005, 03:55 PM
George best has had a row with God already.
Apparently he is pissed off as he died the day they brought in 24hr drinking.

LOL i think

26-11-2005, 03:56 PM
A plane crashes flying over the Pacific and somehow three people survive. Dave, Brad, and Naomi. They manage to make ther way to a tiny island with enough resources to live and eat. After a few years of this nature inevitably took its course (in the spirit of procreation of course) and life went on as normal, after another few years Naomi spoke to the guys and said "I canít stand this anymore, the guilt is too much, Iím going to kill myself" and did so, much to the annoyance of the guys. Another couple of years went by and again nature took its course, after a while Dave said to Brad "I canít stand this anymore, the guilt is too much" "so what you gonna do?" inquired Dave. "I think Iíll just bury her dude"

26-11-2005, 04:55 PM
Do you know why oyseters increase male sexual libido??

Because after eating a dozen oysters, pussy doesnít taste so bad!!!

26-11-2005, 06:14 PM
> > An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.
> >The
> >doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said "Things
> >are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride
> >who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?"
> >
> >The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began. "I
> >have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never
> >misses a season. One day when he was setting off hunting, he was in
> >a
> >bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead
> >of
> >his gun. As he neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver
> >sitting at the water's edge.
> >
> >He realised he'd left his gun at home and so couldn't shoot the
> >magnificent creature but out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it
> >at
> >the animal as if it were his favourite hunting rifle and went 'bang,
> >bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over
> >dead.
> >
> >Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.
> >
> >The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a
> >couple of rounds into that beaver."
> >
> >The doctor replied, "My point exactly".

26-11-2005, 09:06 PM
> > An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.
> >The
> >doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said "Things
> >are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride
> >who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?"
> >
> >The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began. "I
> >have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never
> >misses a season. One day when he was setting off hunting, he was in
> >a
> >bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead
> >of
> >his gun. As he neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver
> >sitting at the water's edge.
> >
> >He realised he'd left his gun at home and so couldn't shoot the
> >magnificent creature but out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it
> >at
> >the animal as if it were his favourite hunting rifle and went 'bang,
> >bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over
> >dead.
> >
> >Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.
> >
> >The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a
> >couple of rounds into that beaver."
> >
> >The doctor replied, "My point exactly".

:laugh: :laugh:

26-11-2005, 09:07 PM

27-11-2005, 02:50 PM
A 14yr old boy ran into his house yelling "mom mom come quick, I have great news!" The mother asked "what is it, whats so exciting!" "I had sex for the first time today!" replied the boy The mother gasped, raised her hand and slapped the boy across the face. "get up to your room and stay ther until your father gets home!!" yelled the mother. An hour later the boys father arrived home, got the update from the mother and went upstairs to talk to the boy. "so I hear you had sex for the first time today" said the father "Your mother is upset, but I think this is something for a father and son to celebrate! What do you say we go and get you that motor-bike youíve been asking for?" "wow, answered the boy, "but do you think we can wait until tommorrow, my ass is still killing me!!"

27-11-2005, 03:10 PM
A guy meets one of his friends, that looks to be hit in the face. So he asks whatís wrong. The friend says: "My wife was looking for a chicken in the freezer, and when she stooped down, I was so horny that I pulled my pants off and started screwing her, but instead of liking it, she suddenly hit me with the frozen chicken!" So he sayís: " doesnít your wife like to be screwed?"
-"Oh yes, but not in the supermarket!"

27-11-2005, 03:56 PM
Ted and his wife was working in their garden one day when Ted looks over at his wife and says "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big! I bet your butt is bigger than the barbeque". With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wifeís butt. "Yes I was right your butt is 2 inches wider then the barbeque. upon hearing that remark the wife chooses to ignore her husband.

Later that night while Ted and his wife were in bed Ted was feeling a little frisky, and makes some advances toward his wife which she flat out ignores him. He asks "whats wrong?" She turns to him and says "Do you think Iím going to fire up this big ass grill for one little weenie"!

27-11-2005, 04:03 PM
Actual call centre conversations !!!!!

Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?".
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".
Samsung Electronics
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".
RAC Motoring Services
Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover m e when I am travelling in Australia?"
Operator: Doesn't the product give you a clue?
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France):
"If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"
Directory Enquiries
Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please".
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off".
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland".
-------------------------------------------------------------- --------
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone
box told a worried operator: "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on".

Tech Support:
"I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".
Customer: "OK".
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?".
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".

Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see
the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?".

There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; May I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was j ust typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"

Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it . Can you see that??"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.

Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"

Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."

Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power????????????.. A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and *****ng stuff your computer came in??"

Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer".

27-11-2005, 08:40 PM
Nice one Si :thumbsup:

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, Iím still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if youíve been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband 1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband 2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said heíd look into it and get back to me.

Husband 3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldnít get the system up.

Husband 4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didnít know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband 5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband 6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasnít sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband 7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband 8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband 9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband 10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that Iíve married you, Iím really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"Youíre a lawyer. This time I know Iím gonna get screwed!"

28-11-2005, 04:19 PM
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says; "***** off, you won't bring it back."

28-11-2005, 05:04 PM
SADDAM HUSEIN has been told he faces a firing squad - he is asked if he has a last request .

" Yes i do " he replies .

i'd like Peter Crouch to do the shooting !!!!

28-11-2005, 06:31 PM
Four guys were out on the golf course. As one of them was teeing off at the 10th hole, which was next to the highway, they saw a funeral precession go by.

Instead of teeing off, the guy removed his cap and placed it on his chest until the funeral had passed.

At this point, one of the other three said, "You know, that was the most touching thing I've ever seen."

And the guy answers, "Well, I was married to her for 15 years. It was the least I could do!"

28-11-2005, 06:32 PM
Johnny and his wife went to the State Fair every year. Every year Johnny would say, "I'd like to ride in that aeroplane."
And every year his wife would say, "I know, Johnny, but that aeroplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
This one year Johnny and his wife went to the fair and Johnny said, "I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that aeroplane this year I may never get another chance."
" That aeroplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.", replied his wife.
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."
Johnny and his wife agree and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.
They land and the pilot turns to Johnny, " I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
Johnny replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when my wife fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."
:shocked: :shocked:

28-11-2005, 06:33 PM
An 85-year-old couple, after being married for almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercising. When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and a Jacuzzi.
As they looked around, the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," St. Peter replied, "this is Heaven."
Next, they went out in the back yard to survey the championship-style golf course that the home was located. They would have golfing privileges every day and each week, the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.
The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"
St. Peter replied, "This is Heaven, you play for free."
Next, they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine's of the World laid out.
" How much to eat?" asked the old man.
"Don't you understand yet? This is Heaven, it is free!" St. Peter replied, with some exasperation.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.
St. Peter lectured, "That's the best part - you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."
With that, the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and screaming wildly. St. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.
The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault! If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

Steve L
28-11-2005, 08:47 PM
Garry Glitter has said if he gets executed he wants cremating and his ashes put inside an Etch-a-Sketch so the kids can still play with him !!!!!!!!

29-11-2005, 10:35 AM
A Kiwi walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says: "Darling,
this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache." His girlfriend
lying in bed replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep." The man returns:
"I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."

29-11-2005, 03:18 PM
SteveF came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on
the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.

When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's
gonna' start." This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.

When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."
"That's it!" She blows her top, "You basta*d Steve! You waltz in here, flop
your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run
around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and
iron all day long?"

SteveF sighed. "Oh *****, it's started."

29-11-2005, 03:40 PM
Mom and Dad were taking young Billy for a walk through the park one sunny afternoon when all of a sudden, in the bushes a short distance away, Billy spots two dogs going at it. Billy says, "Daddy, what are they doing?" The dad responds after some quick thinking, "Why son, their making a puppy."

Later that night Billy was thirsty and got out of bed to get a glass of water. As he walked by his mom and dad's room, he heard a noise and looked in only to find them going at it. Billy shouts, "Daddy what are you doing?" The father, quite embarrassed, replies "Why Billy, we're making a baby." "Quick, turn her over..." declares Billy, "...I want a puppy!" :grin: :grin:

29-11-2005, 03:41 PM
Maria just got married, and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you." So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest.

Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Maria", says the mother, "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Maria ran downstairs to her mother.

"Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants, and he's got hairy legs!" "Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you." So, up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"

"Stay here and stir the pasta", says the mother. "This is a job for Mama!

29-11-2005, 03:42 PM
Over to you Steve - I'm away on hols for a couple of weeks :smile: :smile:

29-11-2005, 04:47 PM
Over to you Steve - I'm away on hols for a couple of weeks :smile: :smile:

Where you going mate?

29-11-2005, 04:48 PM
Buckwheat and Darla were in school and the teacher asked Darla,
íHow do you spell ídumbí?" Darla says, "d-u-m-b, dumb."

The teacher says, "Very good. Now use it in a sentence." She
responds, "Buckwheat is dumb."

"Now spell ístupidí." Darla says, "s-t-u-p-i-d."

The teacher says, "Very good. Now use it in a sentence." Darla
says, "Buckwheat is stupid."

Then the teacher calls on Buckwheat and asks, "Buckwheat, spell
dictate." Buckwheat stands up and says, "d-i-c-t-a-t-e,

The teacher says, "Very good. Now use it in a sentence." "I
may be dumb and I may be stupid, but Darla says my dictate

29-11-2005, 04:57 PM
Where you going mate?

Sunny Barbados :grin: :grin: :grin: :grin:

29-11-2005, 05:00 PM
Buckwheat and Darla were in school and the teacher asked Darla,
íHow do you spell ídumbí?" Darla says, "d-u-m-b, dumb."

The teacher says, "Very good. Now use it in a sentence." She
responds, "Buckwheat is dumb."

"Now spell ístupidí." Darla says, "s-t-u-p-i-d."

The teacher says, "Very good. Now use it in a sentence." Darla
says, "Buckwheat is stupid."

Then the teacher calls on Buckwheat and asks, "Buckwheat, spell
dictate." Buckwheat stands up and says, "d-i-c-t-a-t-e,

The teacher says, "Very good. Now use it in a sentence." "I
may be dumb and I may be stupid, but Darla says my dictate

:grin: :grin: :grin: :grin:

29-11-2005, 07:54 PM
Sunny Barbados :grin: :grin: :grin: :grin:

Have a good one mate, drink a few for me :thumbsup:

29-11-2005, 07:55 PM
Kylie,Elton John and Robbie Williams walking down the street.Kylie trips jamming her head in some railings.Robbie pulls down her knickers and *****s her senseless!
He turns to Elton and says "your turn" but Elton starts crying. "Whats wrong"says Robbie,Elton sobs and says "me head wont fit in the railings!...!!!

30-11-2005, 04:00 PM
The little fly flew in the door-
He flew right into the grocery store,
He pissed on the cheese and sh*t on the ham
and wiped his ass on the grocery man.

When the grocery man saw what he had done
He loaded up his gatling gun
He chased the fly all up and down
and tried to shoot him in the brown.

But the little fly was much too slick
He showed the grocery man a trick
He flew around the room and then-
Went and sh*t on the ham again.

When he had done his dirty work
He flew right over the lady clerk
And up her leg he took a stroll
And took a bath in the lady’s hole.

The lady laughed and said Oh my!
Ah there! Stay there! You naughty fly.
What made her laugh she did not know,
But something up there tickled her so.

She felt so gay she rolled on the floor
And said : "I never felt so good before"
She closed her eyes and held her breath
And the poor little fly was smothered to death.

30-11-2005, 08:00 PM
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wifeís arm. The wife turns over and says "Iím sorry hun; Iíve got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

30-11-2005, 08:53 PM
Q.) What does a hooker and a bungee cord have in commen?

A.) Their both cheap, fast, and if the rubber breaks youíre dead.

30-11-2005, 09:22 PM
There was a mother sitting at home with her 3 children. Her first daughter comes up to her and says "mommy, why did you name me petal?" Mother replies "because when you were born a petal fell on your headĒ
Her second daughter comes up to their mother and says ďmommy, why did you name me leaf?Ē Mother replies ďbecause when you were born a leaf fell on your headĒ
Then the son comes up to the mother and says ď aawwwwwnaaaaaahhaaakkeeegaahawwwĒÖ..and everyone says.. ďSHUT UP FRIDGEĒ!!!!

30-11-2005, 09:39 PM
Q) Whatís worse than shoving 5 oysters up an 80 year old pussy?
A) Sucking them out and finding 6.

Q) Whatís worse than sucking out an unexpected oyster from an 80 year old pussy?
A) The burp.

02-12-2005, 08:54 AM

A Somalian arrives in Leicester as a new immigrant to the United Kingdom.
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says "Thank
you Mr. Englishman for letting me in this country."

But the passer-by says "You are mistaken, I am a ****stani."

The man goes on, encounters another passer-by and says "Thank you for having
such a beautiful country here in Britain."

The person responds "I no Blitish. I flom Hong Kong."

The new arrival walks further and the next person he sees he stops, shakes
his hand and says "Thank you for the wonderful Britain."

That person puts up his hand and says "I am from Iran, I am not British!"

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, quite suspiciously, "Are you a British

She says "No, I am from Romania."

So he is puzzled, and asks her "Where are all the British?"

The Romanian lady looks at her watch, shrugs, and says .... "Probably at

02-12-2005, 05:42 PM
Do you have a Goldfish?

Whether yes or no, read on!

Subject: Goldfish

Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a

table in a tough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders

a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders

start to speculate about the occupation of the suit

Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.

Stuart: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

Dave: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't

come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume

of beer gets the better of Dave and he makes for the

toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is

standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get

the better of the builder....

Dave: - 'Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate

were wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by


Dave: - Oh! What's that then?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example.... Do you have a

goldfish at home?

Dave: - Er... mmm... well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a

bowl or in a pond. Which is it?

Dave: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a

large garden then?

Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town

if you have a large garden then you have a large house?

Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house ...

built it myself!

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house

it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for

yourself and that you are quite probably married?

Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four


Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are

sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?

Dave: - Yep! Five times a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not

mŚsturbate very often?

Dave: - Do what? Not me mate!

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Dave: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've

told you about your sťx life!

Dave: - That's pretty impressive ... thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.

Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what

he does?

Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Stuart: - What's that then?

Dave: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Stuart: - Nope

Dave: - Well then, you're a w**ker.

06-12-2005, 01:19 AM
A man staggers into the casualty department with concussion, multiple
bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf
with my wife, Rebecca, when at a difficult hole; we both sliced our balls
into a field of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting
around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I
walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball
with my wife's monogram on it, stuck right in the middle of the cow's ****.

That's when I made my big mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like

I don't remember much after that."

06-12-2005, 02:10 PM
Bloke walks in to a Fish & Chip shop with a huge salmon under his arm, and asks the man behind the counter "do you do fishcakes?"

The chip-shop owner replies "sorry, we don't"

1st man glances at the salmon under his arm and says "that's a shame, 'cos it's his birthday!":grin: :grin: :grin:

06-12-2005, 02:34 PM
Bloke walks in to a Fish & Chip shop with a huge salmon under his arm, and asks the man behind the counter "do you do fishcakes?"

The chip-shop owner replies "sorry, we don't"

1st man glances at the salmon under his arm and says "that's a shame, 'cos it's his birthday!":grin: :grin: :grin:

stick with the day job ay Clive......:shocked: :shocked: :shocked:

06-12-2005, 09:19 PM
One night Little Johnny was really scared sleeping by himself at camp, so he sprints out of his tent and runs to his teachers tent and asks "Miss can I please sleep with you tonight ?".

His teacher replies "NO"

Johnny moans and says "But my mummy lets me".

"OK then, just for tonight" the teacher replies.

Johnny jumps into bed with her and asks "Miss can I please play with your belly button with my finger".

She again says "NO".

"But my mummy lets me" says Johnny again.

"Well I suppose itís OK" replies the teacher.

Things are silent for a few minutes until the teacher leaps up screaming "THATíS NOT MY BELLY BUTTON"

Little Johnny replies "It aint my finger either".

09-12-2005, 10:27 AM
Inner peace.....

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we could all do with a little calm. By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace.

The article read:
"The way to achieve inner peace is to finish off all the things you have started".
So I looked round the house to see all the things I had started and
hadn't finished. And before leaving the house this morning I finished
off a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white wine, the Baileys, the Prozac,
some Valium, some cheesecake and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how bloody good I feel.

You might like to pass this on to those you feel are in need of inner peace

09-12-2005, 03:35 PM
While I was driving down the A90 the other day, (going a little faster
than I should have been) I passed under a bridge only to see a copper on the
other side with a radar gun laying in wait. The copper pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronising smirk, asked:

"Runway too short?"

To which I replied, "I'm late for work."

To which he asked, "What do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.

The copper was surprised and confused. "A what? A rectum stretcher?? And
just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to
two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, work side
to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch
the hole, until it's about 6 feet."

Then the copper asked questioningly and cautiously, "And just what do you
do with a six-foot arsehole?"

To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind
a bridge..."

Speeding ticket: £105.00

Penalty Points : 3

Court costs: £45

Look on copper's face: Priceless.

10-12-2005, 03:58 PM
There were these two guys sitting in a bar and enjoying their drinks. They were talking about their favorite position while having sex.
" What position do you like best when you have sex?"
" I like the rodeo position."
" What the hell is the rodeo position?"
" Listen carefully. You can only do it once with your wife so try to enjoy it. You get your wife on all fours and you get behind her and you start ******* her doggie style. When she is really into it and starts havin fun, put all your weight on her back without using your hands and whisper into her ear: " This is your sister’s favorite position too!" Then try to stay on top with no hands for ten seconds!"

10-12-2005, 09:30 PM
A woman goes into a collectables store and asks the clerk "Sir, i was wondering if you have an old album called 2 big lips and seven kisses".

The clerk replies "No, but i have to big balls and seven inches."

"Oh my," the lady says, "Is that a record?"

The clerk says "No but its a ******* good average."

11-12-2005, 08:11 PM
Thereís a student in medical school who wants to specialize in sexual disorders, so he makes arrangements to visit the sexual disorder clinic. The chief doctor is showing him around, discussing cases and the facility, when the student sees a patient masturbating right there in the hallway.

"What condition does he have?" the student asks.

"He suffers from Seminal Buildup Disorder," the doctor replies. "If he doesnít obtain sexual release forty to fifty times a day, heíll pass into a coma."

The student takes some notes on that, and they continue down the hall. As they turn the corner, he sees another patient with his pants around his ankles, receiving oral sex from a beautiful nurse.

"What about him?" the student asks. "Whatís his story?"

"Oh, itís the same condition," the doctor replies. "He just has a better health plan."

12-12-2005, 02:08 PM
When you have an "I Hate My Job" day, try this:
>On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the
>Thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson &
>Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand.
>When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and
>disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.
>Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favourite chair.
>Open the package and remove the thermometer.
>Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so it will not become
>chipped or broken. Now the fun part begins.
>Take out the literature and read it carefully. You will notice in small
>print there is a statement.
>"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally
>Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times: "I am so glad I do
>not work in the Thermometer quality control at Johnson & Johnson."
>Have a nice day and remember, there is always someone else with a job
>More of a pain in the ass than yours.

12-12-2005, 03:57 PM
Superman was flying around metropolis, he was thinking that he needed a **** and lois lane just wasn’t doing it for him anymore, so he decided to find someone who could give him what he needed

He flew to gotham city and asked Batman who he thought the best **** in the universe was...and he replied Wonder Woman!! definately no doubt!

Superman decided to get a second opinion so he went to ask Spiderman and he said the same...
So Superman flew off to see if he could find Wonder Woman...he saw her lying in a field..naked with her legs wide open...Superman decided that he could swoop down at the speed of sound and be in and out before she noticed anything..

So he gets the speed up and flies down...in,out,in,out and flew away again...quick as a flash....Wonder Woman sat up and said what the hell was that??! and the Invisible Man replies...
i haven’t got a clue but my arse is killing me!

13-12-2005, 08:10 PM
A man in his eighties reads that hearing loss is rapid at his age so he decides to give his wife,the same age, a test.She is in the kitchen with her back to him so he asks quietly "What’s for lunch darling?" He gets no response. A little worried,he takes two steps nearer."What’s for lunch darling?" Again she keeps her back to him and does’nt respond.Now he is really worried so he goes right up behind her and asks again"What’s for lunch darling?" At this she suddenly whirls round and yells "For the third time you deaf ******* we’re having pork chops!!!!!"

13-12-2005, 08:38 PM
One day a man with Premature Ejaculation Problems went to a doctor. The doctor said, "Whenever you feel the urge to ejaculate, startle yourself" So he went out and bought a starter pistol. When he got home his wife was naked in bed ready fo him. So they got in the 69 positoin and started at it. When he felt the urge he fired the pistol. The next day he went to the doctor and the doctor asked him how it went. He said, "Not to good. My wife bit off three inches of my dick, **** in my face and my neighbour came out of the closet with his hands up, naked"

13-12-2005, 09:07 PM
Q. What do you call a herd of cows masturbating?
A. Beef strokin’ off.

Q. Why is the space between a woman’s breasts and her hips called a waist?
A. Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

Q. What has 2 grey legs and 2 brown legs?
A. An elephant with diarrhea.

Q. What does the cannibal do just after he dumped his girlfriend?
A. Wiped his ass.

Q. How do you know when you are getting old?
A. When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.

Q. What’s the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

13-12-2005, 09:33 PM
One day TonyH and his grandson were fishing, TonyH pulled out a cigar and smoked it. The grandson said "Grandpa Tony Grandpa Tony Can I have a cigar too!?" Can the tip of your dick touch your ass" TonyH replied? "No" the kid replied. "Then that is your answer." They then go to a Store and buy two scratch tickets TonyH loses. The gandson wins 10 million pounds.
Then TonyH said "Grandson Grandson, can I have that scratch ticket?" The grandson says " Can the tip of your dick touch your ass"? "Yes" TonyH said, so the grandson says " then go **** yourself!!"

13-12-2005, 09:44 PM
What do you do if a rottweiler starts shagging you leg?

Fake an orgasm.

14-12-2005, 11:31 AM
Subject: No Speka Da Inlish

> A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on.
> they sit down and engage in an animated conversation
> the lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her
> attention
> is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
> "emma comes first. den I come. den two asses come togetta.
> I come once- a more. two asses, they come togetta again.
> i come again and pee twice. then I come one lasta time."
> " you foul - mouth sex obessed swine,"retorted the lady,
> indignatly.
> "in this country.. we don't speak aloud in public places about our

> sex

> "hey, coola down lady!" retaliated the man.
> " who talkin' about
> sex? I'ma justa tellin' my frienda how to spell
> 'mississippi"

14-12-2005, 03:55 PM
:thumbsup: Nice one Rob.

A young man fresh out of boot camp goes to his first post. It is in the middle of the desert with nothing around for miles. So after a couple of weeks he starts feeling the itch for female companionship. So he asks one of the guys what they do for women out here. He says we have a herd of camels that come into town every saturday night. So he waits till saturday and at 10 oíclock a herd of camels arrives at their base. He is so excited that he jumps on the first camel and starts doing his business. Then he feels a tap on his shoulder. he turns around and the other soldier says. " what the hell are you doing we ride the camels into town to the local whore house"

14-12-2005, 04:30 PM
Three tortoises, Mick, Andy and Roy, decide to go on a picnic. Mick
packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is that
the picnic site is two miles away.
So, it takes them ten days to get there. When they get there Mick
unpacks the food and beer.
"Ok Roy give me the bottle opener"

"I didn’t bring it" says Roy "I thought you packed it" Mick gets
worried, He turns to Andy, "Did you bring the bottle opener?"

Naturally Andy didn’t bring it.

So they’re stuck two miles from home without a bottle opener. Mick and
Andy beg Roy to go back for it. But he refuses as he says they will eat
all the sandwiches. After two hours, and after they have sworn on their
tortoise lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally

So Roy sets off down the road at a steady pace. 20 days pass and he
still isn’t back and Mick and Andy are starving, but a promise is a

Another 5 days and he still isn’t back, but a promise is a promise.

Finally they can’t take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each,
and just as they are about to eat it, Roy pops up from behind a rock
and shouts:

"I KNEW IT’......I’M NOT ******* GOING!"

14-12-2005, 05:27 PM

14-12-2005, 05:45 PM
A midget, with a lisp, decided to buy a horse. Went out to a farm and asked the farmer if he had a horse for sale. "I sure do, címon around back and Iíll show her to you." Out back the midget walked around the horse and asked the farmer if he could see her teeth. The farmer lifted him up to see the horses teeth, then put the midget back down The midget walked around the horse again and asked if he could see her ears. The farmer, getting irked obliged him again. Third time around the midget asked if he could see her ****. By know the farmer is pissed, walked the midget around to the back side of the horse and said"You want to see her ****, Iíll show you her **** !" With that he hoisted the midget up and crammed his head into the horses ****. Little arms and legs flailing, he waited a few seconds and pulled the midget out and set him back down on the ground. Midget gets up, shakes his head, gasps for air and says, "Pawhaps I should wephrase that, can I see her run around for a few minutes?"

14-12-2005, 07:03 PM
> >>A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night,
> >>when >> >>the man felt a drop hit his nose."I think it's
> raining",he said to >>his >>wife.
> >>
> >>"No,that felt more like snow to me",she replied."No,I'm sure it
> >>was >>just rain"he said.
> >>
> >>Well,as these things go,they were about to have a major argument
> >>about >>whether it was raining or snowing.Just then they saw a
> Communist >>Party >>official walking toward them.
> >>
> >>"Let's not fight about it",the man said,"Let's ask Comrade Rudolph
> >>whether it's officially raining or snowing.As the official
> >>approached, >>the man said "Tell us,Comrade Rudolph,is it
> officially raining or >>snowing?"
> >>
> >>"It's raining,of course",he replied,and walked on.
> >>
> >>But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!",to which the
> >>man >>quietly replied, >> >>"Rudolph the Red, knows rain,dear."
> >>

14-12-2005, 08:12 PM
I dont know wether to laugh or cry at that one :laugh: :cry3:

14-12-2005, 08:13 PM
One day the 3 bears returned from their forest walk and sat down at the breakfast table.

Daddy bears then yells "what the hell is going on here, somebody has eaten all my porridge!"

Baby bear also shrieks "what’s going on here, somebody has eaten all my porridge too!"

Then Momma bear says "O, both of you shut the **** up! I haven’t even made the porridge yet!"

14-12-2005, 08:54 PM
And you thought that you had a bad day, today my car was stolen , my wife left me for my best friend who i found out was the father of my 3 kids, i came home and the house was on fire, my boss told me i was fired, but on the bright side there was one positive

my aidstest!!

14-12-2005, 09:35 PM
One day in the forest a Bear and a Rabbit were taking a **** near one another. The Bear turns to the Rabbit and says "Hey Rabbit don’t you hate when you get **** stuck in your fur?" The Rabbit replies "Nah, can’t say that I have ever had that problem." At that moment the Bear picks up the Rabbit and wipes his ass with him and replies "Well now you do."

15-12-2005, 02:39 PM
Tourettes sufferers - Nature's jokers
>An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around the
>streets and bars of Soho one unemployed afternoon. Walking down Dean
>Street, he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window 'Pianist wanted
>for evening performances'.
>"Fu**ing get in there you *****!" he says to himself and goes to the
>"Get the fu**ing manager of this pigs*it middle class w*nkhole please
>you *****", he says to a somewhat startled barman.
>The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. "Can I help
>you sir?" he says "Yes you can you fat piece of s*it, I saw your poxy
>advert in the *****ing window and I'm here to audition......w*nker."
>The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his
>dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition.
>The first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too
>involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries,
>"Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?"
>"That song, you big nosed tw*t, was called "Excuse me prime minister
>I just j*zzed in your daughter's eye, and now the *****'s blind..." "Oh"
>says the manager...err, can you play me another. Something a little
>"W*nker" interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad
>that leaves the manager in tears. The manager through his salty
>teardrops asks him the title. "That little number was called 'Sometimes
>when you do a bird up the sh*t box you get cr*p on your bell end'".
>"I see" says the manager, "Have you got any songs with less offensive
>titles?" "Well there's my jazz number 'Do you want me to split your
>r*ngpiece', or there's the epic 'I don't care if you're older my dear,
>you've still got nice jugs'".
>"Look" says the manager interrupting, "I think you're a superb pianist
>but the title of your songs are a little racy. I will hire you on the
>condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the
>"***** it" says the pianist "Why not".
>On his first night everything is going superbly the crowd is lapping up
>his repertoire and his silence is being received as modesty. The only
>thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a
>gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side
>revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which
>boasts a proud and inviting cleavage. During the interval the pianist
>has got such a stonking hard on that he decides to go to the bog and
>knock one out. Just as he has shot his load he hears himself being
>re-introduced over the tannoy, so he rushes back to the stage and
>finishes his act.
>After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches
>"Hi" she says. "Hello" he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives.
>She leans over and whispers in his ear, "Do you know your c*ck is
>hanging out of your trousers and sp*nk is dribbling onto your shoes?"
>Placing his beer confidently on the bar, the pianist grins, looks her
>square in the eye and yells........... "Know it?" - "I *****ing wrote

15-12-2005, 05:17 PM
A performance of Jack & the Beanstalk by a group of Paranoid Schizophrenics descended into chaos last night when someone in the audience called out 'He's behind you!'

15-12-2005, 08:41 PM
LMAO Guys, great jokes.

15-12-2005, 08:42 PM
A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past
and looks up and says to the monkey "hey! What are you doing?"

The monkey says, "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a
few joints. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ’dry’ and is going
to get a drink from the river. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river and floats downstream.

A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to
the side, then asks the lizard, "What’s the matter with you?"
The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a
joint with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the
river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks up the river bank, finds the tree were the monkey is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "hey!"

The Monkey looks down and says "****!!!.......how much water did you drink?!