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Steve's joke thread.

fan512bbi

fan512bbi

New member
I met a man last week who told me his name was Lucky Johnson.I asked him where the Lucky came from and he said that he was standing in a queue waiting for a bus.After ten minutes he decided to walk and as soon as he walked away a lorry drove into the bus queue and killed the six people that were standing there.I told him that he was indeed a lucky man.
I met him again yesterday and when I said,’ Hello there ,its Lucky Johnson’ ,he said his name was now Lucky Lucky Johnson.When I asked him why his name had changed he said that he had been making love to his wife last night when a brick came through the window and hit me on the ar*e.
I asked him how that was lucky,he told me that if the brick had come through the window a few minutes earlier it would have hit him on the back of the head.
 
A blonde walked into a computer shop one day and asked the shop assistant for a curtain to fit her 15 inch computer monitor. The assistant said, "Why do you want a curtain for your computer screen?"
To which the blonde replies, "I've got Windows".
 
There was an Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there.
The Englishman was thinking: 'The Irish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.' Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it.' And the Irishman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that English b@stard again.
 
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

“Mother, where do babies come from?”

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.”

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his pen*s in the mommy’s vagi*a. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.

“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s pen*s in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”

“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”
 
A guy goes over to his friends house, rings the bell, the wife answers.

"Hi is Tony home?"

"No he went to the store."

"Well, you mind if I wait?"

"No come in."

They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."

Nora thinks about this for a second an figures what the hell - a hundred bucks.

She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a 100 bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I got to see the both of them. I'll give you another 100 bucks if I could just see the both of them together."

Nora thinks about this and says what the hell opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the table then says he can't wait any longer for Tony and leaves.

A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know your weird friend Chris came over."

Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"
 
A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads:

Dear Wife,

I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary.

When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows:

Dear Husband,

I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old toyboy. You being an accountant will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.
 
" hello owl " says the bear
" I am not an owl, I’m a mouse" is the reply he gets
" So why are your eyes are so big?" asks the bear
" I’m taking a fu*cki*g kraup" replies the mouse
 
A girl is on an airplane with her mom and asks her, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, then why don’t big planes have baby planes?"
The mom smiles and tells her daughter to ask the stewardess. The stewardess comes over and the the little girl asks her the same question she asked her mother.
The stewardess asks the girl if her mom toll her to ask her and the little girl replied "Yes." Then the stewardess says "Well that’s because virgin Airlines always pull out on time!"
 
So one time I was just thinking of stories to tell and I thought of one. I asked my friends "do you guys remember the first time". "oh hell yeah they all say" so I’m telling them about mine. so I say well the first time I had sex was in the grass in a vacant plainy area. It was a perfect day and we were just going at it for hours and then suddenly her mom comes up to us out of no where. so i’m like oh sh*t "holy fu*k what did she do" asks my friend I reply " the first thing that came out of her mouth was baaaaaaahh"!!!! :

And before anyone says it, yes i know i am Welsh.
 
The fashion industry may have sacked Kate Moss, but she has been offered 2 new jobs at the BBC doing Who’s line is it anyway and top gear.:laugh:
 
The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words. She thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with more than one syllable.

"Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable words?"

"After some thought Jane proudly replied with Monday."

"Great Jane. That has two syllables, Mon......day"

"Does anyone know another word."

"I do! I do!" replied Johnny.

Knowing Johnny’s more mature sense of humor she picks Mike instead.

"OK Mike, what is your word."

"Saturday." says Mike.

"Great, that has three syllables..."

Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says "I know a four syllable word. Pick me! Pick me!"

Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher reluctantly says, "O.K. Johnny what is your four syllable word?"

Johnny proudly says, "Mas...tur...ba...tion." Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says, "Wow, Johnny. Four syllables! That’s certainly is a mouthful."

"No Ma’am, your thinking of ’blowjob’, and that’s only two syllable
 
A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob", where a small knob is placed on the back of a woman’s head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob".

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful - the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.

"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I’ve had to turn the knob many times and I’ve always loved the results. But now I’ve developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won’t get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her closely and said," Those aren’t bags, those are your breasts".

She said, "Well I guess there’s no point in asking about the goatee."
 
A group of first-year medical students is gathered around an operating table for their first anatomy lesson with a dead body.
“As a doctor, you’ll need to develop two key skills,” the professor begins. “The first is stoicism. You can’t be disgusted by anything involving the human body.”
The professor then rolls the body over, sticks his finger into the corpse’s butt, withdraws it and sticks his finger in his mouth.
“Now do the same,” he instructs.
The horrified students hesitate, but eventually take turns dipping a finger into the cadaver’s anus and then sucking on it.
When everyone has finished, the professor continues, “The second skill is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and then I sucked on my index finger. Pay attention.”
 
O.J. Simpson, Phil Spectre, and Michael Jackson walk into a bar. The bartender asks "What will you have?"
O.J. says, "I'll have a Bloody Mary."
Phil Spectre says, "I've only got time for one quick shot."
Michael Jackson says, "Nothing for me. Where's your little boy's room?"
 
Did you know that the most commonly used sexual position in the world is doggy style. You know the one where the man sits up and begs, and the women rolls over and plays dead.
 
Two newly weds arrive at a hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite. The receptionist asks them do they have reservations? The bride replies I’m not to sure about takin it up the ass.
 
One day Little Johnny asks his dad the what difference is between theory and reality?
Little Johnny’s dad says "go ask your sister if she will f*ck the neighbor for a million dollars."
So Little Johnny goes up to his sister and says, "would you f*ck the neighbor for a million dollars?" She squints her eyes and thinks about it and replies, "yes, i would f*ck the neighbor for a million bucks."
So Little Johnny tells his dad that she said yes, but he still does not know the difference btween theory and reality.
So Little Johnnys dad says, " go ask mom if she will f*ck the neighbor for a million dollars."
Little Johnny ask his mom, "would you f*ck the neighbor for a million dollars" and she replies back "hell yea i would f*ck the neighbor for a million bucks."
So little Johnny goes back and tells his dad that mom said "hell yea i would f*ck the neighbor for a million bucks."
So little Johnny says to his dad, "I still dont know the difference between theory and reality.
Little Johnny’s dad looks down at him and says, "Well son, it’s like this. In Theory we are sitting on top of two million dollars, but in Reality we are broke and living with two f*cking whores."
 
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