sarahschummi
New member
Did you hear about the scarecrow that won the nobel peace prize?
He was outstanding in his field!
He was outstanding in his field!
Club Scuderia
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Steve's joke thread.
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coz
New member
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realised that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need - a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16-1/2 neck." Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.
As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said "Sure" The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see...9-1/2 E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said,
"Let's see...size 36."
Joe laughed "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the
base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realised that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need - a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16-1/2 neck." Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.
As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said "Sure" The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see...9-1/2 E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said,
"Let's see...size 36."
Joe laughed "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the
base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
F328GTS
Active member
I saw Jimmy Carr live on Friday, he was absolutley brilliant. Joke of the night for me was.....
"A friend of mine split up from his girlfriend after 8 years. Don't worry I told him, there are plenty more fish in the sea." He replied.....
"But it's not just the smell that I miss" :shocked::laugh::laugh::laugh:
"A friend of mine split up from his girlfriend after 8 years. Don't worry I told him, there are plenty more fish in the sea." He replied.....
"But it's not just the smell that I miss" :shocked::laugh::laugh::laugh:
:laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh:
rmdferrari
New member
:laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh: also.
Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.
The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it! The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 ! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each." The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.
Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!
Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.
The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it! The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 ! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each." The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.
Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!
Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.
rmdferrari
New member
Some Viz letters
The person who coined the phrase 'as different as chalk and cheese' obviously hadn't tasted Kwik Save's cheddar.
John Sampson, Southampton.
If Eastenders is so true to life, how come none of the loveable Cockney characters are Man Utd supporters?
P. Sullivan, Birkenhead.
They say football is a game of two halves. Not for me it isn't. I regularly down eight or nine pints whilst watching a live game on Sky TV in my local.
D Evans, London.
If smoking is bad for you, how come it cures Salmon?
Stalker, Bournemouth.
Why does Frank Bruno get a gong just because he's good at hitting people? I'm brilliant at it but the most I've ever got is 200 hours community service.
A Woodward, Sheffield.
They say good manners cost you nothing. B*llocks. I sent my daughter to finishing school and it cost me twenty grand.
J Morgan, Wigan.
If, as Freddie Mercury claimed, fat bottomed girls make the rocking world go round, isn't it about time that the city of Derby received some recognition for its contribution to astrophysics?
Neil Sedgwick, Nottingham.
In the 20th Century, Britain only made war with countries whose capital cities began with the letter 'B' - Germany (Berlin), Argentina (Buenos Aires), Iraq (Baghdad), and Serbia (Belgrade). China changed the name of Peking to Beijing and we bombed their embassy One hopes we will show a little more imagination in this century.
Martin Harwood, Bradford.
These so-called speed bumps are a joke. If anything, they slow you down.
Tim Wakefield, Surrey.
Now I've been going out with my girlfriend for some time, it seems OK when I break wind in bed. It's when I follow through that the petty arguments begin. I will never understand women.
Chris Mapply, Carshalton.
We should remember the tremendous contribution of the Queen Mother to the war effort: as the BBC pointed out, she 'bravely remained in London beside her husband' during the war. This contrasts sharply with the actions of my grandfather who, on the declaration of war immediately left his wife and children and p*ssed off, first to France, then North Africa, Italy, France (again) and finally Germany. The shame will always be with us.
George Nisbet.
Like the Queen Mum, my grandfather was a frequent visitor to the East End during the dark days of the blitz, but he was never hailed as a hero by the people of London. That's because he flew Heinkel bombers for the Luftwaffe.
Werner Hoffman, Munich.
I would just like to say a big thank you to all those wonderful young people who stand on motorway slip roads (in any weather, mind you) holding up boards telling us motorists where they lead to.
B Boll*ckbrain, Braintree.
Davina McCall says that dangling off a helicopter over the Grand Canyon on a 700 foot bungee rope was the most terrifying and dangerous thing she has ever done. She must be forgetting that she went out with Stan Collymore.
M Duckworth, Poole.
So Sting is able to shag his wife for five hours without getting off. I know how he feels. My wife is no oil painting either.
J Leonard, Hull.
To call Dr Harold Shipman 'Britain's worst serial killer' is utter nonsense. With more confirmed kills to his name than any other UK-based murderer, surely Dr. Shipman is 'Britain's best serial killer'. Colin Stagg, who was arrested in connection with one killing and turned out not to have done it in the first place, would qualify as the country's 'Worst Mass Murderer'.
Danny King, Balham
I heard recently that, on average, Alex Ferguson receives two turds in the post each week. What I want to know is, who's sending the other one?
D Mason, Leeds
The person who coined the phrase 'as different as chalk and cheese' obviously hadn't tasted Kwik Save's cheddar.
John Sampson, Southampton.
If Eastenders is so true to life, how come none of the loveable Cockney characters are Man Utd supporters?
P. Sullivan, Birkenhead.
They say football is a game of two halves. Not for me it isn't. I regularly down eight or nine pints whilst watching a live game on Sky TV in my local.
D Evans, London.
If smoking is bad for you, how come it cures Salmon?
Stalker, Bournemouth.
Why does Frank Bruno get a gong just because he's good at hitting people? I'm brilliant at it but the most I've ever got is 200 hours community service.
A Woodward, Sheffield.
They say good manners cost you nothing. B*llocks. I sent my daughter to finishing school and it cost me twenty grand.
J Morgan, Wigan.
If, as Freddie Mercury claimed, fat bottomed girls make the rocking world go round, isn't it about time that the city of Derby received some recognition for its contribution to astrophysics?
Neil Sedgwick, Nottingham.
In the 20th Century, Britain only made war with countries whose capital cities began with the letter 'B' - Germany (Berlin), Argentina (Buenos Aires), Iraq (Baghdad), and Serbia (Belgrade). China changed the name of Peking to Beijing and we bombed their embassy One hopes we will show a little more imagination in this century.
Martin Harwood, Bradford.
These so-called speed bumps are a joke. If anything, they slow you down.
Tim Wakefield, Surrey.
Now I've been going out with my girlfriend for some time, it seems OK when I break wind in bed. It's when I follow through that the petty arguments begin. I will never understand women.
Chris Mapply, Carshalton.
We should remember the tremendous contribution of the Queen Mother to the war effort: as the BBC pointed out, she 'bravely remained in London beside her husband' during the war. This contrasts sharply with the actions of my grandfather who, on the declaration of war immediately left his wife and children and p*ssed off, first to France, then North Africa, Italy, France (again) and finally Germany. The shame will always be with us.
George Nisbet.
Like the Queen Mum, my grandfather was a frequent visitor to the East End during the dark days of the blitz, but he was never hailed as a hero by the people of London. That's because he flew Heinkel bombers for the Luftwaffe.
Werner Hoffman, Munich.
I would just like to say a big thank you to all those wonderful young people who stand on motorway slip roads (in any weather, mind you) holding up boards telling us motorists where they lead to.
B Boll*ckbrain, Braintree.
Davina McCall says that dangling off a helicopter over the Grand Canyon on a 700 foot bungee rope was the most terrifying and dangerous thing she has ever done. She must be forgetting that she went out with Stan Collymore.
M Duckworth, Poole.
So Sting is able to shag his wife for five hours without getting off. I know how he feels. My wife is no oil painting either.
J Leonard, Hull.
To call Dr Harold Shipman 'Britain's worst serial killer' is utter nonsense. With more confirmed kills to his name than any other UK-based murderer, surely Dr. Shipman is 'Britain's best serial killer'. Colin Stagg, who was arrested in connection with one killing and turned out not to have done it in the first place, would qualify as the country's 'Worst Mass Murderer'.
Danny King, Balham
I heard recently that, on average, Alex Ferguson receives two turds in the post each week. What I want to know is, who's sending the other one?
D Mason, Leeds
One day a Jew, a Hindu, and a Geordie all arrived at their hotel to
find that there had been a mix-up with the bookings, and that there was
only one room left for them to share. The manager explained that this
room only had two beds, but that there was a barn at a neighbouring farm
which the farmer, an old friend of his, would let one of them sleep in
free of charge.
They complained a bit, but since there was nowhere else to go, the Jew
graciously said he'd sleep in the barn. The Hindu and the Geordie were
just settling down to sleep in their room, when there was a knock on the
door. It was the Jew.
'I'm sorry,' he said, 'but there's a pig in that barn and because I'm
Jewish I feel uncomfortable about sharing the barn with it.' 'No
problem,' said the Hindu. 'I'll sleep out there instead.' So off he went
to the barn, leaving the Geordie and the Jew to share the room.
They were just settling down to sleep, when there was a knock on the
door.
It was the Hindu. 'I'm sorry,' he said, 'but there's a cow in that barn
and because I'm a Hindu I feel uncomfortable about sharing the barn with
it.'
The Geordie grudgingly agreed to give up his bed and stomped off to the
barn leaving the Jew and the Hindu to share the room. The Jew and the
Hindu were just settling down to sleep, when there was a knock on the
door.
It was the cow and the pig.
find that there had been a mix-up with the bookings, and that there was
only one room left for them to share. The manager explained that this
room only had two beds, but that there was a barn at a neighbouring farm
which the farmer, an old friend of his, would let one of them sleep in
free of charge.
They complained a bit, but since there was nowhere else to go, the Jew
graciously said he'd sleep in the barn. The Hindu and the Geordie were
just settling down to sleep in their room, when there was a knock on the
door. It was the Jew.
'I'm sorry,' he said, 'but there's a pig in that barn and because I'm
Jewish I feel uncomfortable about sharing the barn with it.' 'No
problem,' said the Hindu. 'I'll sleep out there instead.' So off he went
to the barn, leaving the Geordie and the Jew to share the room.
They were just settling down to sleep, when there was a knock on the
door.
It was the Hindu. 'I'm sorry,' he said, 'but there's a cow in that barn
and because I'm a Hindu I feel uncomfortable about sharing the barn with
it.'
The Geordie grudgingly agreed to give up his bed and stomped off to the
barn leaving the Jew and the Hindu to share the room. The Jew and the
Hindu were just settling down to sleep, when there was a knock on the
door.
It was the cow and the pig.
mark308
New member
The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St.. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven..'
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..
'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man.
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.
That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick.
This is Heaven!'
The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer..
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or....'
'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'
The old man glared at his wife and said, 'If it wasn't for you and your f....ing Bran Flakes, we could have been here ten years ago!'
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St.. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven..'
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..
'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man.
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.
That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick.
This is Heaven!'
The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer..
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or....'
'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'
The old man glared at his wife and said, 'If it wasn't for you and your f....ing Bran Flakes, we could have been here ten years ago!'
F328GTS
Active member
I first told this joke approx 25 years ago. Glad to see it's still doing the rounds, it's a classic. :laugh: